Archive-name: Bondage/njlist17.txt
Archive-author: Nurse Jones
Archive-title: The List - 17 of 20


From Nurse Jones,
     I'm lost. But now I know why. And it was ASB Therapy that helped.
For me, reading and writing ASB posts is therapy. Not just a break
from work, which I need desperately sometimes, but somehow writing
stuff down clarifies it for me so I can deal with it. And hearing from
you helps me to feel I'm not (a) weird, and (b) alone down here. Jay
and I are very close, but he's really the only one I have since
leaving Chicago. After a few weeks posting I'm as close to the ASB
regulars as I am to the people I work with, and certainly more inti-
mate than I have been with anyone but Jay. How much I post seems to
depend on how bad things are going at work at the moment.
     I've said before that I'm not constitutionally suited to being a
top. As I read back over an earlier post, I realize that a motherly
attitude toward the bottom is NOT one that translates well into this
role. But it's what I've got. I'm not sure Jay got anything out of it.
He says he did, but he was such a stoic that he clearly didn't get
what I did. I was so timid and afraid of hurting him that I didn't
really do my job.
     Talk about a twisted relationship! I want to give up being a top,
but my bottom won't let me. I'm supposed to be running the show, and I
told him I was going to give him an order to top me, and he wouldn't.
I said "Wait a minute. Who's in charge here anyway?"
     "You are," he says.
     "So top me," says I.
     "Make me."
     I'm not exactly a wilting violet, (more of a willing violet) but
I don't like being a top. (Well, I do, I think, actually, but if I do
it on my terms he won't enjoy it. It will seem like weak vanilla
topping to him. )

     8ù)

     I have plans, but I know I'll go all soft once I have him all
trussed up again. My attitude is that I have to do these things to him
but my main job is to help him get through it.
     And he just seems to endure my timid fumbling as though he were
waiting for a bus. None of the writhing histrionics that I went
through. I don't know if I get through to him or not. He says I'm
doing great. He says he knows what is going on in my mind and it turns
him on. He says that when I put the gag in his mouth (back in List 15,
I think. Which I never finished writing) he could see the changes of
attitude on my face. I didn't think I was that obvious. He said he
could see the feeling of empowerment. Something about the shape of my
nostrils again. What the hell is it about my nostrils? I have heard of
people having cruel mouths, but _nostrils_? And he said he could see
it, and feel it, when I turned all gooey compassionate, too.
     So anyway, In case you forgot, I had been trying to totally
sexually deplete J. He'd had two orgasms. I tried a number of what I
thought were sexy tricks to give him a third, but the best I could
manage was half-mast. There'd been four in one day, before, remember.
Finally, I decided to take the plunge and spread-eagled him, standing
up, arms chained to those overhead eye bolts. (I have the key to the
little locks, now. Remember those?)
     I put a vibrator in him. This was simple curiosity on my part. I
was as gentle as could be, used tons of K-Y, and it still took me a
while to even find... it. I watched his face, still blindfolded, as I
pushed it in. He endured. He's such a stoic. I haven't gotten anywhere
near a limit of his.
     But his erection grew. I'm happy to report to the females in this
little group, that It Works. I mean, the prostate is really there, and
it really is an erogenous zone or something. When I touched it, the
reaction was immediate. He squirmed and his hips kind of moved as
though we were having sex. I don't know if that was involuntary or
not. I knew I had touched a very sensitive spot, though.
     So naturally I turned on the vibrator and pushed a little more,
still experimentally. Get this: he didn't have an erection, to speak
of, the poor thing was exhausted. BUT he had an orgasm anyway. He
ejaculated. Weakly, to be sure, and involuntarily. He couldn't control
his reaction.
     This is valuable data. I know that during a rectal exam a doctor
will sometimes massage the prostate to get seminal fluid for a lab
test, but this was a forced orgasm. I made him have it. I could do it
again and make him have an orgasm exactly when I want him to. On cue.
Perfect timing. I still haven't figured out a way to use this valuable
information yet.
     But I will.

Nurse Jones,
     looking up an old friend.

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