Archive-name: JourEntr/j093-181.txt
Archive-author: Elf Matheiu Sternberg
Archive-title: Starlight, Starbright, First Star I See My Life

 
Journal Entry 181 / 0093
 
     I stepped off of the SDisk and looked around.  Nice town, a little
quiet, in places the grass growing just a little too long this late in
the spring.  The air was full of insects buzzing about on this hot
spring day.  I wandered up the road into town, passing a pair of
Centaurs who couldn't have been more than 20 years old apiece, staring
into each other's eyes and barely noticing me long enough to wave.  We
need a poem, like Terra's 'Hooray, hooray, it's May, it's May!' to
signal this kind of weather, this time of year.

     It occurred to me that maybe Jahn had a coimelin, a lover, a
roommate, whatever.  I sighed and willed myself to stop worrying about
that, at any rate.  I had enough worries today.

     I walked across to a short, squat building, looking slightly
neglected and forlorn amidst the rest, made of wood with last decade's
paint slowly peeling off from the corners.  I could understand that;
Jahn had a lot more important issues on his agenda than the appearance
of his office.  I knocked on the door.

     "Come in!"

     I walked in to find his office spartan and clean.  A casually
arranged stack of transdocuments lay on his desk and he was reading them
with a careful eye, a pair of glasses across the bridge of his muzzle.
"Hello?" I asked.

     The Uncia behind the desk looked up and startled.  "Ken!"

     "Jahn!" I laughed back, smiling.  "How are you?"

     He sighed, a dark expression crossing his face.  "Not great."

     I wandered around the desk and chair and gave him a big hug from
behind.  "What's wrong?"

     "Everything.  My eyes have gotten even _more_ farsighted than
before... it looks like they're going to grow me a new pair.  In the
meantime I have to wear these things.  Who came up with these anyway?
They're killing my muzzle."  He rubbed the bridge softly.  "The worst
thing, though, is the defense recourses for entalie's."

     I looked at him, confused.  "I thought we were past that."

     "I thought we were, too, seventy years ago."  He sighed gently.
"The problem, Ken, lies in those people who, for whatever reason, are
completely uninterested in people of their own species and opposite sex,
particularly the females."

     "That's your last issue?"

     "It's still a big one.  I've got four thousand fems across the ring
who, for whatever reason, have no intention of breeding, ever.  I don't
care if they're lesbian or heterosexual or rhyshic or whatever.  They
just don't want to breed.  The trouble is, there's a 'denial of
diversity' movement that specifically targets these people."

     "'Denial of diversity?'"

     He sighed.  "They're arguing that by staying out of the gene pool
these people are denying their genetic material to future generations,
and that they may be harboring the genes for genius, or talent, or
whatever, and...  Basically, it's a war of words.  But these people,
even the 'recalcitrant' males, are hurting because of it."

     I nodded.  "Any hope?  What about of a few gene projects?  You
know, borrow an egg or two, find a good home for it?"  I was joking, of
course, but there was an element of truth to what I said.

     "We do that.  It doesn't help.  There seems to be an issue here of
standards.  These people want to enforce a sexual standard, namely that
of some kind of heterosexual, infraspecies behavior as a minimum."

     I sighed.  "Anything I could do to help?"

     "A position paper?" he asked, smiling.  "It's not the point.  I
don't want Vatare' Shardik to come down off his throne and preach to the
masses.  It would help, but I think we'd see some resentment there as
well."

     "I'd be a bad example.  I still have sex with human women."

     He nodded.  "I know.  Speaking of which, how's your new roommate?"

     "P'nyssa?"  I laughed.  "She's hardly human.  She's fine, I guess. 
It's funny how after even two or three years we're still playing
'Getting to Know You' games."

     "Ken... Back on your world, Terra, where you came from... Do they
have this kind of problem?"

     I looked Jahn over and sighed.  "It's worse there."

     "Worse?  How much worse?"

     "Entalie' of any kind are routinely hounded, assaulted... in some
districts, having a single Entalie' encounter can engender a death
sentence."

     Jahn whistled low.  "You're not joking, are you?"

     "Not in the least."

     "Oh."  He looked down at his desk.  "At least here it's just a war
of words.  Nobody's gotten hurt yet, although I did get a report last
month of a femSatryl being harassed."

     "Nothing serious?"

     "Not really."  He rubbed his eyes again.  "So, let's ignore the
serious stuff for a moment and ask you what's the purpose of this
visit?"

     "Well," I said, my nervousness returning, "I need a favor of you."

     "A favor?" he asked, smiling.  "What kind of favor?"

     I thought for a second.  "Jahn, tonight, well, in a few hours,
Pendor as we know it is going to change."  His expression held rock
steady.  "Something's going to happen, but I'm not going to say what.
I've been keeping it a secret for some time now.  Nobody's going to get
hurt, but we're going to have a new field of science, and it should be
interesting."

     "So why are you here?" he asked calmly.

     "Jahn, I want to do something dramatic to herald the change,
something I won't forget."  Somehow, I couldn't believe I was saying
these things.  "Jahn, I want to lose my virginity again.  I want you to
make love to me."

     His composure broke.  Which, in a way, was interesting to watch.
He looked confused for a moment, then looked up at me and said, "You're
sure?"

     "If I were sure I wouldn't be handling this as roughshod as I did
the first time, remember?"

     He chuckled and stood up, standing around and hugging me softly.
"Kennet Shardik, Vatare' Pendoro, wants to be my sacrificial virgin for
tonight's sea-change."

     "Something like that," I laughed, grabbing him and embracing him
hard.  "So, is it a yes, or a no?"

     "It's a yes!  What, are you kidding?"  He laughed.  "I've waited
nearly seventy years to know what I could do to pay you back for that
night."

     "Well, now you know."

     "I'm not sure this is payback.  I might have TWO receipts after
this."

     "Either way, I want it.  Will you?"

     "When does this event happen?"

     I glanced at my watch.  "A little over two hours."

     He chuckled.  "Give me a few minutes.  I want to assemble a few
things."

     I nodded.  He left me standing in the office while he wandered back
into his home.  A few minutes later he reappeared with a backpack.
"Ready?"  I nodded.  "Let's go, then.  I assume you have a place picked
out?"

     "I do, but we'll have to go by the Castle first to transfer.

     He nodded.  "Lead the way."  I stepped out and we walked back up
the street to the neighborhood SDisk, stepping on it to get to Shardik
Castle.  From there, I gave another command and we appeared on a plain
of rolling, yellowing grasses.  The air was warm, and like Jahn's
hometown, filled with insects, but they always seemed to be far away,
never actually biting us or getting into our fur.

     Jahn seemed stunned.  "We aren't on Pendor?"

     I looked around.  "No... this is Pandora."

     He looked up and around.  "That stripe in the sky... is that
Pendor?"

     "Yep."

     "I've never been here before.  Do we have to be here to watch the
change?"

     I shook my head.  "Not really.  It's just about the best place I
could think of to watch it happen."

     "What's going to happen?"

     I looked up into the completely black sky.  "You'll see.  It'll be
interesting."

     I sat down on the grass and said, "So, what's in the pack?"

     "Oh, you know," he said.  "The usual."  He opened up the pack and
pulled out a round of cheese, cutting wedges out for both of us.

     I looked him over.  A little shorter than I, Jahn is a gorgeous
example of an Uncia.  He's a very pretty snow leopard, with bright white
fur and short, black stripes.  I thanked him for the cheese and took a
bite.  There were two layers on the outside edge of the cheese; between
the wax layer and the cheese was a layer of animal intestine, using it
as you would a casing for sausage, to hold the cheese in during the
aging process.  It gave the cheese a wonderful, metallic taste.  "This
is good."

     "Like that?  It's made at Taurangoth.  I found it about ten years
ago and I think it's becoming a bit of a rage among Uncia."  He passed
me a bottle of water, and I drank it along with the cheese.  "I have
some jerked meat in here as well, if you'd like."

     "What kind?"

     "Oh, let's see..."  He rummaged about in the sack.  "Rabbit, deer,
beef, I think."

     "Hand some over."  He gave me a few long strands of dried meat and
I ate them with him in silence.

     "Why do you want to do this?" he asked suddenly.

     "Let's just say I'm in the mood."

     "In the mood?"

     "Yeah.  What's wrong with saying I'm in the mood?"

     "Being in the mood to lose your virginity is a pretty bad reason."

     "Jahn," I said, "I've thought about this for a long time.  I
couldn't think of any other male I wanted more to do this for me.  I've
been intrigued for a long time... I feel that this is right for me, and
you're the right person."

     He chuckled and reached out, touching my shoulder.  "Okay, I see
that you've thought about this."

     "I better have."

     He chuckled.  "Yes, you better have."  He shifted around and sat
behind me, holding me close.  "You're really sure?"

     I looked at my watch.  The time was getting close.  "Half an hour."

     "Is that all?"

     "That's all.  Then life as we know it ceases to be."

     He smiled, scratching slowly at my tunic.  "Take off your shirt."

     I took it off and tossed it aside.  He had already set aside his
g-string.  His scratched softly at my chest, and it felt strange, but I
slowly eased against him and relaxed.  "You've gotten pretty confident,"
I said.

     "You taught me that, Ken.  Even though you yourself aren't really
entalie' or a part of what we are, you know the language, you have the
compassion.  You helped me understand myself.  I owe you for that."

     "I know," I whispered softly.  "You're getting hard."

     He chuckled.  "Yes, I am.  You want it inside you?"

     "The moment of truth.  Yes, but I want to enjoy your touch, first."

     "Then enjoy it."  He slowly touched my stomach, his hands trailing
down over the denim of my pants and caressing my thighs.

     I tried to relax, but inside I felt so nervous.  "Jahn?"

     "Hmm?"

     "Does it hurt?  The first time?  I mean, a lot or a little?"

     He chuckled.  "It depends, Ken, on how ready you are, how gentle I
am, how much lubricant we use..."  His voice trailed off.  "But it will
hurt, at least a little."

     "You can't tell how much?"

     "Nobody can," Jahn said softly.  "Losing your virginity is always
difficult."

     I chuckled.  He kept scratching my chest softly, then said "Lie
down on the grass."

     "What?  On my back or my stomach?"

     "On your stomach.  If that's not a problem?"

     "No, that's not a problem," I replied, turning over, out of his lap
and lying in the grass.

     "You could take your pants off, first."

     I blushed.  "You really want to start like this?"

     "No, Ken, I want to relax you... so lie down and let me give you a
massage."

     "Oh," I said, a little sheepishly.  I lay down and took off my
pants, squirming about as I did so, and tossing them aside.  "What do
you think?"

     "You haven't changed," he said quietly.

     "Take a look at my wrists."

     He caught the reference and was quiet for a long time.  Then he
said, "I'd rather not."

     I nodded gently.  "I have changed... in some ways."

     "You kept the scars, I'm assuming by that comment."

     I nodded again, feeling the grass graze by my cheek.  "I wanted to
keep them.  Brieanna offered to remove them, but I need to be reminded. 
I need to know why I came back."

     His hands spread along my back, easing the muscles gently.  I
sighed and relaxed; few people give backrubs good enough for my taste...
I tend to be very tense, and many people start too hard or too
violently.  I turned my watch and looked at it; it was getting close to
time.  I moaned softly as his hands worked down over my lower back,
getting closer to my butt; I felt a little uncomfortable at the
attention he gave me, especially there.  I squirmed against the grass; I
was getting an erection.

     His hands left my buttocks and trailed down my thighs.  He took his
time, easing my nervousness and tenseness.  "Jahn," I sighed.

     "Hmm?"

     "Feels wonderful."

     He chuckled softly.  "You asked for this," he reminded me softly,
his finger playing along the cleft of my buttocks.  "Remember that, you
wanted me to make love to you."  I nodded again.  "Are you ready?"

     "I think so," I said, looking at my watch.  Only ten minutes left. 
I sighed softly as I felt his breath spread over the cheeks of my ass;
his paws pulled my buttocks apart gently, and his long, feline tongue
slid along my hole.

     The sensation went straight through my head; I moaned softly, more
as he continued nuzzling into my anus with his tongue, carefully, so as
not to be too rough with the very feline front.  He moved away for a
moment, and I could feel his body moving back and forth, very slowly; in
my anticipation I dared not turn around and look at his growing
erection.  In my memory he was large, but not frighteningly so.  I
wondered if I would think differently once he was inside me.

     There was a warm, wet sensation over my buttocks, and then his paw,
spreading it about; he teased my virgin hole with his finger, then slid
it in just a centimeter or so.  I moaned again; there was pain, but also
pleasure, in his finger, teasing my insides, squirming about.  I
wondered what I looked like, lying in the grass like that, this Uncia,
small for his race but still larger than I, kneeling over my
outstretched form.  "Ready?" he asked again.

     I just nodded.  I felt him shift, and then I felt the head of his
penis press against my backside.  "A little lower," I whispered,
correcting his aim.  He shifted and pressed.  I tried to look at my
watch, but my hand trembled softly at the approaching threat, and I
found myself more fascinated by the trembling.  "Slowly," I hissed.

     "I know, I know," he growled gently.  Even through his
characteristic growl, I could feel his concern.  He wanted this to be
good for me.  I wanted it to be good for him, too.  He pressed gently.

     My sphincter spasmed open suddenly, and he pressed against it,
sliding in.  I gasped; it hurt, it felt like I was being torn open.  But
still, just the trembling in my limbs gave away the shock I was feeling.
And somehow, it felt good to be feeling that, to be feeling for him the
pain I was going through.  He slid in deeper.

     There was almost no sensation as he slid in until his hips pressed
against my buttocks; just an odd filling going deeper and deeper into
me.  "How is it?" he asked.

     "It hurts," I gasped softly.  I felt tears running across the
bridge of my nose.

     "Of course it hurts," he said.  "I warned you."

     "I know," I whispered.

     "How does it feel now?"

     "It's... okay.  I'm getting used to it."

     "Good," he sighed, slowly pulling out.  I whimpered again as I felt
the violated ring of my anus pull against his cock, then press inwards
as he pushed downwards again.  "Still hurt?"

     "Yes," I whispered.  "Don't stop."

     He started going faster; the pain in my sphincter faded almost
completely as he sped up, fucking me harder and harder.  And then the
pain changed, becoming pleasure... pleasure I couldn't ignore.  I could
hear myself panting with him as he made love to me, took me for the
first time.  His hips bucked against me; his legs were between mine.  My
cock was thrust against the grass, but I wasn't erect.  Still, it felt
wonderful to be where I was, under him.

     And the pleasure remained, but it was joined by a new pain.  I
think parts of me were wearing out under this new sensation, this new
pleasure.  "Jahn," I whispered.

     "I know, I know..." he growled.  "Just a little more."  His thrusts
became more urgent, more powerful; he lifted himself up on his knees.
We panted in synch as he approached his climax, closer and closer, his
cock thrusting between my buttocks, deep within my asshole.  Little
whimpers escaped him, and then a final, thrusting gasp as he came within
me.

     I reached up with my right hand and toyed with his ears, tousling
his fur.  We lay together, face down in the grass, his cock within me,
slowly subsiding.  "Ken?" he gasped.

     "Yeah?" I asked.

     "Are you okay?"

     I sighed gently.  "I think so."  I felt him slip out of me and to
the side.  "How about you?"

     "I think so, too," he smiled.

     I looked into his eyes and leaned up to kiss him.  "Thank you,
lover," I whispered.

     I looked up past his shoulder as he looked down at me.  While we
had been making love, in a place and time elsewhere, much earlier in my
life-- probably just before Paul had been born, I would guess-- the core
of my empire, my existence, vanished from me for a split second.  And in
that second she had come to me, here, to fulfill her final promise to
me.  She had opened the pocket universe Pendor resided in, pushed the
limits of, by its sheer creation.  And then Fawn had returned to the
other Kennet Shardik, the Kennet Shardik that existed before.

     "Jahn, look up.  At the sky."

     He raised his head slowly and looked up into the clear night sky.
He was silent for a while.  Then his muzzle move to form words, and
slowly he said, "Ken... are those yours?"

     I chuckled and got up on my knees; my insides felt weird, but not
painfully so.  I hugged Jahn softly, resting my head against his
shoulder.  Although it had been over a century since I had last seen
what he was seeing, I felt it more important to hug him and be with him
then to join his vision.  His body felt good against mine, his strength
and his care pure.  "No, Jahn... if they belong to anybody, they belong
to a more powerful and pervasive Creator than myself."

     "What... what are they?"

     "They're stars, Jahn."

--
"Starlight, Starbright, First Star I See My Life"
The Journal Entries of Kennet R'yal Shardik, et. al., And Related Tales
are (c) 1989, 1992 Elf Matheiu Sternberg.  May be freely distributed by
cybernetic media; hardcopies are limited to single printings for
personal use.