Archive-name: Control/chaos.mf
Archive-author: Deb Atwood (1990)
Archive-title: Chaos in my Mind


                        August 6, 1990

What makes a person crazy?  I mean, how do I know when I'm losing
my mind?  Maybe I'm just imagining things.  Stress, yeah that's
it.  Now, calm down Amanda and just try to be calm.

There it is again!

For God's sake, why doesn't it leave me alone?

I keep hearing this voice.  It's calling my name.  I know, I know,
how can such a simple thing scare me so much?  Well, its weird!
I can be working, or reading, and suddenly I hear, clear as a bell,
"Amanda."  I turn, and there's no one there.  I'm alone in the house
right now.  My roomates are still at work - I came home early because
of this stupid voice.

It's been going on for nearly 3 months now.  Since I graduated, in
fact.  It started out as maybe once or twice a week, now it's up to
several times a day.  Out of nowhere, "Amanda."

It's a male voice.  I know that much.  So I'm hallucinating that
a man is speaking to me.  Maybe I'm desperate.  I'm smiling as
I write that, because, no, I'm not desperate.  If I were desperate
I would have agreed to go out with Shane last week.  But no, I
won't date him.  I've heard too much about his fast hands.  Rob
on the other hand is a possibility, but he's not even noticed I'm
anywhere around yet.

Okay, I'm calmer now, and I think I'll be able to sleep.  I'll
just turn out the light and sleep, and there won't be any more
strange voices to bother me.


                        August 17, 1990

It's 4 AM and I just woke up from the strangest dream.  The sheets
are soaked with sweat and my hands are shaking so hard that this
is hardly readable.  I've never had a dream like that before in my
life.  I wish dreams weren't so hazy.  If I could only recall it
clearly I think I might understand...

I was... where was I?  I was in a park, I think, sitting under a
tree reading, and there was someone talking to me, or maybe it was
to someone else?  But then the scene changed, and I was swimming,
in a secluded place, and then there was a man there.  I can't remember
what he looks like!  But oh God, I can remember what he felt like.
We were swimming nude, and he held me against him as the water 
slipped over our bodies, making us slick and wet, and he kissed
me deeply until my knees were weak.  I've never been kissed like
that, only dreamed of it.  He held me for a long time, just kissing
me and caressing my body.  I remember him making some comment about
my breasts shriveling up like prunes if we stayed in the water
much longer, then he laughed as he picked me up and carried me out.

He dried me off so slowly and sensuously with the towel we had
left on the beach, then followed the tracks of the towel with his
tongue.  I just lay there, basking in the pleasure of his touch.

Then suddenly I felt cold, and when I opened my eyes I was here,
and awake.  And I couldn't remember his face.  Nothing but his
eyes, infinitely caring as he gazed down at me.  

I would give anything to experience the kind of love I'm dreaming
about.  To have the chance at such pleasure and such contentment.

I can hardly keep my eyes open, and my hand is wavering as it writes.

I wish I could remember his name...


                        September 4, 1990

Well, the holiday weekend is over and it was back to work today.
Actually, I'm still at work.  Shane's been bugging me all day - 
Suzanne blew him off this weekend apparently, so he feels he has to
make up the time with me.  No way!  I wish he'd get it through his
head that I'm not interested.  Besides, I don't want to be someone's
second choice.  He's not even my type.

Now, Rob I'm worried about.  He came into work this morning with
dark circles under his eyes.  He says he's fine, just a little
fall cold, but he's seemed pretty listless most of the day.  I
barely saw a sparkle when the boss came by and told him what a
great job he'd done on the last project.  Rob just nodded and went
back to work on his current project.  I'm worried about the guy.

I can just barely see his cubicle from my own, and he's sitting there
now, staring at a point just beyond his monitor.  He looks like he's
got something pretty heavy on his mind.

Okay, Amanda, we're going to get the courage up and go see if Rob
would like to go to lunch.  He looks like he's not in such a hot
mood and maybe we can cheer him up.  Come on girl, lets go.


                        Later

He went!  He actually went to lunch with me!

Well, it was just down to the cafeteria, but he went with me.  And
we talked (and talked and talked and talked).  I was really amazed
at the things we had to talk about.  Did you know he's really into
the occult and esp and stuff like that?  Of course you didn't - 
stupid question!  But he is.  And he really believes in it.  He
told me about this hypnotist he'd seen on stage, and how he'd gone
up on stage and it all really worked.  I was pretty amazed, but I'm
still not sure I could believe it.  I mean, people talking with
their minds and moving things around?  It all sounds pretty far-
fetched to me.  I mean, enjoyable to read about, but not something
I'd expect to do in my spare time.

Oh, but the best part of all is that he asked if I want to see a
movie tonight.  Natch, I said "sure"!  I don't even care what we
see, I'm so excited.  What should I wear?  The mini skirt?  Or
the spandex pants?  Or maybe just jeans so he doesn't realize
just how badly I want to impress him?


                        Later still...

What a flop.  Not even a kiss.  I mean, it went great and we got
along great and all, but I'm not sure he even realized I was a girl!

I think we're going to be great friends, but can I deal with being
friends with the man and not drool over him every second?  I guess
if he wants to be just friends then I'm sorta stuck, y'know.  I'm
not happy with the idea, but that's just the way it is.

If only he weren't so damned good looking this wouldn't be so
tough.


                        September 20, 1990

Damn damn damndamndamn!

I hadn't heard that idiotic voice in nearly a *month* until today!
And while I was at lunch with Rob, too.  Oh, *DAMNIT*!

Sorry about the profanity.  But there I was, sitting at lunch,
chatting with Rob, when I heard over my right shoulder, "Amanda."

I turned automatically to see who was there.  Then I heard it over
my left shoulder, and I turned the other way.  No one.  By this time
I'd figured out that it was that whoever in my insane little mind
poking its ugly nose out again and was trying to ignore it.

Rob was looking at me strangely.

"What's wrong, 'manda?"  He reached a hand over to cup my chin
and turn me to face him.  "You look like you've seen a ghost."

I shook my head, not wanting to tell him I was insane.

He stood up and came around to my side of the table.  Two strong
hands lifted me until I stood and then led me from the room.  We
walked down the hall to the door, and out into the gardens beside
the cafeteria, down by the people eating and into the gardens proper.

Rob sat me on a bench and looked very serious as he asked, "Okay,
'manda, start talking.  What has you so spooked?"

I couldn't help myself.  Everything tumbled out in a jumble of
words as Rob sat there listening.  Everything.  Except the dream.
I couldn't talk about that, not to Rob.

When I finished, Rob just nodded and then said quietly, "When you
hear your name, do you ever get a sense of desperation?  Or worry?
Do you have any idea why this person might be calling to you?"

I looked up in surprise, and saw a strange light in his eyes.  Rob
was fascinated!  He didn't think I was insane.  He thought this was
some of his telepathy stuff.  I held up my hand.  "Whoa, stop right
there.  This isn't any supernatural experience, Rob.  I'm just
overworked.  People call me all the time, and I've just gotten to
the point where I imagine it, okay?  No big deal.  I just need some
rest."

Rob nodded and was silent.  I could tell by his expression that he
still wanted to say stuff, but I just glared and he didn't.  We sat 
for a while until I'd calmed down.

As we walked back into the building, Rob said, "How'd you like to
go horseback riding in New York?"

I looked up at him in surprise.  He shrugged and added, "My parents
own a few horses and we have plenty of room at their house.  We
could drive out and spend the weekend doing nothing but relaxing."
His eyes were serious as they caught mine.  "It might help you get
rid of some of your stress."

My heart was pounding.  Going away for a weekend with Rob.  *Was*
pounding?  Hell, I came straight back here and started writing
(after saying yes of course) and my heart is still pounding.  I
have to keep telling myself that we're only friends, or I'll read
more into this weekend than he intends.  Wishful thinking on my
part, I know, but I can't help it.  I'll just think about horses,
and riding, and relaxing in the last few warm days of the year.


                        September 22, 1990

I had another dream this morning.  It's about 7 AM now, and Rob's
back in his room getting ready to go riding.  I'm sitting here 
scribbling furiously when I should be getting dressed.  But I want
to get it down on paper before it all slips from my mind.

I was sleeping and I heard that voice say my name again.  I looked
around in my dream, and slowly the view became clearer.  It was the
room I'd gone to sleep in!  I couldn't see the man as he spoke, but
I heard his voice as he whispered to me, and felt his hands as he
stroked my body.  I was growing hotter by the second as he whispered
what he would do to me.

I was just at the point of release when I heard a crash, and then
there was a terrible feeling of pain and the man was gone.  I know
he wasn't there to begin with, but the feeling of him suddenly
not being there even in my mind was so painful that I think I screamed.

There was another crash and my door swung open.  I don't even remember
waking up.  I just remember bursting into tears as Rob held me.  I
couldn't say what I was crying for, only that I couldn't stop 
crying no matter how hard I tried.  I can still feel this intense
loss that makes me want to cry, and I don't understand it.  I
was so warm in my dream, wrapped up in love and all cozy, and now
I'm shivering as I sit here on the edge of my bed, my legs dangling 
bare under the edge of my t-shirt.  It's too cold in this room.
I guess fall is really here after all.


                        Later

We had a wonderful ride.  We rode out to one edge of his parent's
property and sat for a while.  We'd brought a picnic lunch, so
we ate it and then sat under the trees to relax for a while.  I set
out my blanket and curled up while Rob walked around a bit.

The area felt familiar to me, and I was soon drifting in a cocoon
of warmth and coziness.  Rob came back and knelt next to me, his
voice low as he coaxed me to get up and walk with him.

He took my hand, leading my down a path into the woods.  I laughed.
"All right, where are we going?" I asked cheerfully.  He just shook
his head as we stepped out of the trees and were on an enbankment
above a small river.

My head reeled with a sense of deja vu, but I couldn't place it.

I looked up to see Rob grinning at me.  Well, maybe leering is a
better word.  "Wanna skinny-dip?" he asked, one hand already on
his fly.

I grinned, even though I was so nervous inside I could hardly
stand up straight.  "Sure."  I grabbed the bottom of my shirt
and tugged it off before I could change my mind.  My bra quickly
followed and then my pants and undies.  I slipped into the water
before turning to see Rob stepping in behind me.

He moved into the water slowly, and I got a good view of his
magnificent body.  Well, maybe not so magnificent.  He's not a
bodybuilder, but he's not fat either.  He's a little on the skinny
side, but definitely not unpleasantly so.  He's maybe six feet
tall, with long arms and legs, a nice tan lingering from summer,
and light brown hair with streaks of blond.  And blue eyes that
could absolutely hypnotize me.

He walked up to me, his eyes fastened on mine, and when he was 
close enough to touch me, he placed his hands on my shoulders and
drew me close, bending his head so his lips touched mine.

My body slid against his, the water between us making the contact
slick and slippery.  His mouth moved over mine, his tongue caressing
my lips.  When he pulled away, his hands caressed my face as I
gazed at him in a sort of surprised wonder.

His thumb traced the lines of my cheek as he spoke.  "Amanda,"
he whispered softly... and I recognized his voice.

"Rob?"  His name slipped out in my surprise, and he just nodded, his
eyes thoughtful.

"I've been thinking about you since you moved into the cubicle
down the hall," he admitted softly.  "Every once in a while you
would slip into my thoughts, as if I whispered your name.  I've
even dreamed about you, and about bringing you here, and about
all the things I want to do to you."

I blushed.  "I know," I said softly.  My mind was whirling.  It
was Rob.  It had been Rob saying my name, even though he was nowhere
around.  It had been Rob haunting my dreams, and they'd been *his*
dreams, not mine!  I was confused, and a little wary, but somehow
I found myself accepting all of it at face value.

My hand reached up to touch his cheek and I felt a flood of
emotion.  I felt love, and the heat of lust, and the flooding
of blood to my manhood and the spreading of warmth through
my breasts and between my legs.  The sensations confused
me... I knew they couldn't all be mine.  It felt so strange,
as if I were feeling his feelings.  I wondered if he could
feel mine.

"Yes, Amanda."

I looked up at him in surprise, and he captured another kiss.
The sensations were delicious, as if I felt two of everything.
Intoxicating.

"We'll share everything," he whispered softly.  "Every sensation
shared by the two of us.  Every thought, every touch.  We have
something very special here, Amanda.  Open you heart and your
mind and share with me."

I still didn't understand, but his hands were relaxing me as they
caressed my body.  He reached low and caught me up in his arms,
carrying my to the beach.  There was a towel there, and I
vaguely remembered him carrying it before, but it hadn't seemed
important then.  He set me on the towel and with the corners
began drying me off, first with the soft towel, then with his
tongue.

My back arched and I cried out, my fingers tangling in his hair.
His tongue circled my taught nipple and I felt my limbs relax
as his body covered mine.  I felt every sensation as his hands roamed
my body, coaxing me to arousal, and I felt Rob's arousal too.  I
could feel him, hard against my thigh as his hips moved slowly
against me, and I could feel as if I were him.  I could feel how
it felt as he suckled gently at one nipple while his hand carressed
the other.  The delight of slipping a finger between my nether lips,
finding my clit and making me even wetter.  I'd had no idea how
exciting  and intoxicating it was to seduce someone, but now I felt
everything that Rob felt and knew I had to return the favor.

His finger was inside me, drawing out, then plunging deeper, until
I started to moan and move my hips against his hand.  The sensations 
separated, mine so much stronger than his, as he stroked me gently.
His lips moved down my body, circling my navel, then kissing my inner
thigh.  And then they moved up again, as his hands parted my slick lips,
and his tongue slid between them.  My fingers clutched at his hair,
and I pressed my hips against his face, crying out.  Wave after wave
of pleasure rocked over me, and behind it all I vaguely felt the tight
rein Rob held on himself, trying to prolong his pleasure.

As I relaxed he moved back up over my body and whispered, "I've never
had such a hard time *not* orgasming before.  You react so beautifully,
and so freely, and I felt it all.  I almost couldn't hold back."

I smiled as my hands slid down his back.  His body felt so nice over
mine, and so did the sensations he felt as my hands roamed his body.  
He leaned on his elbows, looking down at me, a slight smile on his face.
I allowed one hand to slide between us, barely touching his hardness.
The sensations my touch brought made both of us gasp, and his eyes
darkened as he began kissing me again.  I responded eagerly, my emotions
rising oh so quickly even after my pleasure.

With a tiny bit of my mind I knew what I wanted to do, and I managed to
work my hands between us, palms flat against his chest, and I pushed
him back up into a sitting position.

"What?"  He looked down at me, confused.

I pushed myself up until I sat before him.  "I want you to feel me seduce
you..."  I whispered softly, my voice trailing off as my lips met his.
I pushed back again, and he sat back hard, into a semi-reclined position.
I kissed him, feeling his emotions rise, my hands tangling in the thick
mat of hair on his chest, tickling over the small nipples and feeling
them rise, then slowly moving down his body until I found his rigid
length under my palm.  He groaned as I carressed him, my lips still on
his.  I could feel him growing hotter, and whispered wicked things to him,
telling him that I didn't want him to hold back.

His shoulders grasped mine and he pulled me closer, his tongue diving
deep inside my mouth.  His hands slipped from my shoulders to caress
my back and breasts, and we were awash in mixed sensations, with my hand
on his cock, his hands on my breasts.

Finally, he couldn't take it any longer and pushed me back, my hand still
on him, guiding him inside me.  The moment of penetration was incredible!
I felt filled, and I felt as if were sliding into a wamr, moist, tight
cavern.  He moved against me, and we felt the double sensation of filling
and being filled.  My hands clutched at his buttocks, trying to hold him
closer to me.  His lips moved against mine, and then over my chin, my
neck.

I don't know who came first, for one set off the other.  I felt him tense
against me, and then everything exploded as he came inside me, filling me
and I accepted him, my body tightening around him.

It was a few moments before we untangled our minds, but comfortable
moments.  His hand still stroked my side, and we both felt it.  I
smiled, recognizing the contentment I felt as the same way I had felt 
before being awakened from my dream that morning.

"I knocked over my lamp," Rob said softly.

I looked up at him.  "What?"

He laughed at my bewildered expression, then kissed the tip of my nose.
"I said, I knocked over my lamp.  This morning.  That's what woke me up
from my dream..."

I blushed.

He smiled.  "Don't tell me you're *embarrassed* about sharing my dreams!"

I shook my head, still blushing slightly.  "Well, not really.  but you
have to admit it's unusual."

He held my eyes with his own as he said seriously.  "Unusual, yes.  But
also special."  His hand slid down my body, then back up to cup my
breast.  "And now that I've found you, and found this link we share,
don't you ever believe that I'll let you go."

I smiled at him, a stupid grin on my face I'm sure.  "You won't get rid of
me.  Because whenever you think of me, I'll know.  And I'll be there."

He bent to kiss me again as his hands did delightful things to my body.

We both sighed.

"Mmmm."

                                                        D-Singer
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