Archive-name: Poetry/dilime.txt
Archive-title: 660+ Limericks!

1     There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
     Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
          The miller's sun, Jack,
       Laid her flat on her back,
     And united the organs they pissed with.

2     There was a young lady of Arden,
        The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
       Said she with a frown,
          "I've been sadly let down
     By the tool of a fool in a garden."

3     There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
        Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
       But he lurked in the ditches
       And diddled the bitches
        Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.

4       There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
        Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
          But now--it's appallin'--
       My balls always fall in!
        I fear that I've fucked her unduly.

5     There was a young girl in Berlin
     Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
       Though he diddled his best,
       And fucked her with zest,
     She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"

6     I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
     I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
       She said it was crude
       To be wooed in the nude--
     I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

7     There was a young lady of Bicester
     Who was nicer by far than her sister:
       The sister would giggle
       And wiggle and jiggle,
     But this one would come if you kissed her.

8     There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
     Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
       Yet the girls he would dazzle,
       And fuck to a frazzle,
     And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!

9     There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
     And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
       She was ugly and smelly,
       With an awful pot-belly,
     But... well, they were caught in the rain.

10     There was a young sailor form Brighton
        Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
          She replied, "'Pon my soul,
          You're in the wrong hole;
        There's plenty of room in the right one.

11     A lacklustre lady of Brougham
     Weaveth all night at her loom.
       Anon she doth blench
       When her lord and his wench
     Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.

12     A middle-aged codger named Bruin
     Found his love life completely a-ruin,
       For he flirted with flirts
       Wearing pants and no skirts,
        And he never got in for no screwin'.

13     There was a young fellow of Burma
     Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
          But now that he's married he's
       Been using cantharides
     And the root of their love is much firmer.

14     There was a young fellow from Cal.,
     In bed with a passionate gal.
       He leapt from the bed,
       To the toilet he sped;
     Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"

15     There was a young man from Calcutta
     Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
       "If her Bartholin glands
          Don't respond to my hands,
        I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."

16     There once was a kiddie named Carr
     Caught a man on top of his mar.
          As he saw him stick 'er,
       He said with a snicker,
     "You do it much faster than par."

17     There was a young fellow named Charteris
        Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
          Said she, "I don't mind,
          And higher up you'll find
     The place where my fucker and farter is."

18     A young woman got married at Chester,
     Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
          Says she, "You're in luck,
          He's a stunning good fuck,
        For I've had him myself down in Leicester.

19     "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
     "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
       You have made much fine verse on
       Each part of my person,
        Now do something -- there's a good boy!"

20     A maiden who wrote of big cities
     Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
       Sold her stuff at the shop
       Of a musical wop
     Who played with her soft little titties.

21     There once was a gouty old colonel
     Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
       And he cried in his tiffin
          For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
     And the size of the thing was infernal.

22     A lady while dining at Crewe
        Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
          Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
          And don't wave it about,
     Or the others will all want one too."

23     There was a young lady of Dee
     Who went down to the river to pee.
       A man in a punt
       Put his hand on her cunt,
     And God! how I wish it were me.

24     I never had Miss Defauw,
        But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
          If she'd only said "No"
       When I wanted her so;
        But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"

25     A beautiful bell of Del Norte
     Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
       Because during the day
       She says: "Boys, keep away!"
     But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.

26     A young man by a girl was desired
     To give her the thrills she required,
       But he died of old age
       Ere his cock could assuage
     The volcanic desire it inspired.

27     There was a young lady of Dover
     Whose passion was such that it drove her
       To cry, when you came,
       "Oh dear!  What a shame!
     Well, now we shall have to start over."

28     There was a young man of Dumfries
     Who said to his girl, "If you please,
       It would give me great bliss
     If, while playing with this,
     You would pay some attention to these!"

29     There was a young lady of Ealing
     And her lover before her was kneeling.
       Said she, "Dearest Jim,
       Take your hands off my quim;
     I much prefer fucking to feeling."

30     A lonely young lad of Eaton
     Used always to sleep with the heat on,
       Till he ran into a lass
       Who showed him her ass --
     Now they sleep with only a sheet on.

31     There was a young lady of Exeter,
     So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
       One was even so brave
       As to take out and wave
     The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

32     There was a young lady of fashion
     Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
       To her lover she said,
       As  they climbed into bed,
        "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"

33     There was a young girl in Dakota
     Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
       "In addition to gas
       We are rationing ass,
        And you've greatly exceeded your quota."

34     There was a young lady named Flynn
     Who thought fornication a sin,
       But when she was tight
       It seemed quite all right,
     So everyone filled her with gin.

35     A reckless young lady of France
     Had no qualms about taking a chance,
       But she thought it was crude
       To get screwed in the nude,
     So she always went home with damp pants.

36     A nervous young fellow named Fred
     Took a charming young widow to bed.
          When he'd diddled a while
       She remarked with a smile,
        "You've got it all in but the head."

37     There was a young fellow named Fyfe
     Whose marriage was ruined for life,
       For he had an aversion
       To every perversion
     And only liked fucking his wife.

     Well, one year the poor woman struck,
     And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
       And said, "Where have you gotten us
       With your goddamn monotonous
     Fuck after fuck after fuck?

     "I once knew a harlot named Lou --
     And a versatile girl she was, too.
       After ten years of whoredom
       She perished of boredom
     When she married a jackass like you!"

40     There was a young lady of Gloucester,
     Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
          She wasn't much hurt,
       But he dirtied her skirt,
     So think of the anguish it cost her.

41     There was a young lady of Gloucester
     Whose friends they thought they had lost her
       Till they found on the grass
       The marks of her arse,
     And the knees of the man who had crossed her.

42     There was a young fellow named Goody
        Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
       If he found himself nude
       With a gal in the mood
        The question's not woody but could he?

43     In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
     Was the first time I ever laid down,
       I was both proud and shy
       As he opened his fly
     And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.

     Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
     As it went in I made not a sound,
       The more that he shoved it
       The more that I loved it,
     As he came on my Alice Blue gown.

45     In my sweet little night gown of blue,
     On the first night that I slept with you,
       I was both shy and scared
       As the bed was prepared,
     And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.

     As we both watched the break of day,
     And in peaceful submission I lay,
       You said you adored it
       But dammit, you tore it,
     My sweet little night gown of blue.

47     Winter is here with his grouch,
     The time when you sneeze and slouch.
          You can't take your women
          Canoein' or swimmin',
     But a lot can be done on a couch.

48      It always delights me at Hank's
     To walk up the old river banks.
       One time in the grass
       I stepped on an ass,
     And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."

49     There was a young girl from Hong Kong
     Who said, "You are utterly wrong
       To say my vagina
          's the largest in China
     Just because of your mean little dong."

50      There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
     Who said, "They can all go to hell!
       What they do to my wife --
       Why it ruins my life;
     And the worst is they all do it well."

51     There was a young man named Hughes
     Who swore off all kinds of booze.
          He said, "When I'm muddled
       My senses get fuddled,
     And I pass up too many screws."

52     There were three ladies of Huxham,
        And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
       And when that game grows stale
       We sits on a rail,
        And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.

53     There was a young lady named Inge
     Who went on a binge with a dinge.
          Now I won't breathe a word
       O f what really occured --
     But her cunt has a chocolate fringe.

54     An octagenerian Jew
     To his wife remained steadfastly true.
       This was not from compunction,
       But due to dysfunction
     Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.

55      "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
        "Come on, take it out, and let's play."
       He pulled it on out,
       But she started to pout,
     His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.

56     A pansy who lived in Khartoum
     Took a lesbian up to his room,
       And they argued all night
       Over who had the right
     To do what, and with which, and to whom.

57     There was an old lady who lay
     With her legs wide apart in the hay,
       Then, calling the ploughman,
       She said, "Do it now, man!
        Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."

58     There was a young lady of Lee
     Who scrambled up into a tree,
       When she got there
       Her arsehole was bare,
     And so was her K U N T.

59     A worn-out young husband named Lehr
        Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
       "Slip on a sheath, quick,
       Then slip your big dick
     Between these lips covered with hair."

60     There was a young plumber of Leigh
     Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
       She said, "Stop the plumbing,
          There's somebody coming!"
        Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

61     Il y avait  un plombier, Francois,
     Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
       Dit-elle, "Arretez!
          J'entends quelqu'un venait."
        Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."

62     Es gibt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
     Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
          Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
       Ich hore Mann kommen."
     "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."

63     Prope mare erat tubulator
     Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
       Dessine ingressus
       Audivi progressus:
     Est mihi inquit tubulator.

64     Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
     Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
       Some people say,
       Love finds a way,
        But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.

65     In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
     Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
       His wife said, "Oh, stuff
       That philosophy guff
     Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"

66     There was a young lady named Maud
     A terrible society fraud:
          In company, I'm told
       She was awfully cold.
     But if you got her alone, Oh God!

67     There was a young lady named May
     Who strolled in a park by the way,
       And she met a youg man
       Who fucked her and ran --
     Now she goes to the park every day.

68     There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
     Discovered his sex life was hapless:
       The more he would screw
          The more he'd want to,
     And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.

69     There was a young dolly named Molly
     Who thought that to frig was a folly.
       Said she, "Your pee-pee
       Means nothing to me,
        But I'll do it just to be jolly."

70     Of his face she thought not very much,
     But then, at the very first touch,
       Her attitude shifted --
       He was terribly gifted
     At frigging and fucking and such.

71      The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
     To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
       And cried, "Oh, my dear,
       I am coming, I fear,
        But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."

72     There was a young lad from Nahant
     Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
       When asked, "Do you fuck?"
       He replied, "No such luck.
        I would if I could but I can't."

73     There was a young man of Natal
     Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
          Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
       Said he, "You be buggered!
     I like to fuck slow and I shall."

74     There was a young man of Natal
     And Sue was the name of his gal.
       One day, north of Aden,
       He got his hard rod in,
     And came clear up Suez Canal.

75     There was a gay dog from Ontario
     Who fancied himself a Lothario.
          At a wench's glance
          He'd snatch off his pants
     And make for her Mons Venerio.

76     There was a young man of Ostend
     Who let a girl play with his end.
       She took hold of Rover,
       And felt it all over,
        And it did what she didn't intend.

77     There was a young man of Ostend
     Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
          "It's no use, my duck,
       Interrupting our fuck,
        For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."

78     There was a young fellow from Parma
     Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
       Said the damsel, demure,
          "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
     But I must say you fuck like a farmer."

79     A newly-wed man of Peru
     Found himself in a terrible stew:
       His wife was in bed
       Much deader than dead,
     And so he had no one to screw.

80     There was a young girl of Pitlochry
     Who was had by a man in a rockery.
          Sh said, "Oh! You've come
       All over my bum;
        This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."

81     There was a young lady from Prentice
     Who had an affair with a dentist.
       To make things easier
       He used anesthesia,
        And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.

82     There was a young man with a prick
     Which into his wife he would stick
       Every morning and night
       If it stood up all right --
     Not a very remarkable trick.

     His wife had a nice little cunt:
     It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
       And with this she would fuck him,
          Though sometimes she'd suck him --
     A charming, if commonplace, stunt.

84     There was a young man from Purdue
     Who was only just learning to screw,
          But he hadn't the knack,
       And he got too far back --
     In the right church, but in the wrong pew.

85     A young lady sat on a quay,
     Just as propper as propper could be.
       A young fellow goosed her,
       And roughly seduced her,
     So she thanked him and went home to tea.

86     I once was annoyed by a queer
     Who made his intentions quite clear.
          Said I, "I'm no prude,
          So don't think me rude,
        But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."

87     A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
     Preferred frigging to going to mass.
       Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
       Or any young cock,
     For I cannot live up to your ass."

88     The King named Oedipus Rex
     Who started this fuss about sex
       Put the world to great pains
       By the spots and the stains
        Which he made on his mother's pubex.

89     Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
     Who said with a wink and a smile,
       "Sure, please stick it in,
       Be it thick be it thin,
        But if's rough I won't do as a file."

90     There was a young lady of Rhyll
     In an omnibus was taken ill,
       So she called the conductor,
       Who got in and fucked her,
     Which did more good than a pill.

91     There was a young German named Ringer
     Who was screwing an opera singer.
       Said he with a grin,
          "Well, I've sure got it in!"
        Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"

92     A young violinist from Rio
     Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
       As she took down her panties
       She said, "No andantes;
     I want this allegro con brio!"

93     A young Juliet of St. Louis
     On a balcony stood acting screwy.
       Her Romeo climbed,
          But he wasn't well timed,
     And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!

94     Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
        When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
       "You must sieze it, and squeeze it,
       And tease it, and please it,
        For Rome wasn't built in a day."

95     There was a young man from Siam
     Who said, "I go in with a wham,
       But I soon lose my starch
       Like the mad month of March,
     And the lion comes out like a lamb."

96     Prince Absalom lay with his sister
     And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
       But the kid was so tight,
       And it was deep night --
     Though he shot at the target, he missed her.

97     There was a young fellow named Skinner
     Who took a young lady to dinner
       At a quarter to nine
       They sat down to dine;
     At twenty to ten it was in her.
       The dinner, not Skinner --
     Skinner was in her before dinner.

     There was a young fellow named Tupper
     Who took a young lady to supper.
       At a quarter to nine
       They sat down to dine,
     And at twenty to ten it was up her.
       Not the supper -- not Tupper --
     It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!

99     "My back aches.  My penis is sore.
        I simply can't fuck any more.
          I'm dripping with sweat,
          And you haven't come yet;
        And, my God! it's a quarter to four!"

100     There was a young lady of Spain
     Who took down her pants on a train.
       There was ayoung porter
       Saw more than he orter,
     And asked her to do it again.

101     There was a young man of high station
     Who was found by a  pious relation
       Making love in a ditch
          To -- I won't say a bitch --
     But a woman of no reputation.

102     There once was a dentist named Stone
     Who saw all his patients alone.
       In a fit of depravity
       He filled the wrong cavity,
     And my, how his practice has grown!

103     A sailor who slept in the sun
     Woke to find his fly buttons undone.
       He remarked with a smile,
       "Jesus Christ, a sundial!
        And it's now a quarter past one."

104     A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
        Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
       Her resistance was stout,
       And Ten Bring petered out
     With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.

105     The spouse of a pretty young thing
     Came home from the wars in the spring.
       He was lame but he came
       With his dame like a flame --
     A discharge is a wondeful thing.

106     I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
     Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
       I wonder can she tell
          That I've been raising hell;
        Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?

     My wife is just as nice as can be,
        I hope she doesn't feel to nice toward me,
       For an afternoon of joy
       Is hell on the old boy.
     I wonder what the wife will want tonight!

108     There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
     Exceedingly hard to get onto,
       But when you get there,
       And have parted the hair,
     You can fuck her as much as you want to.

109     Une joile epousetta a Tours
     Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
       Mais le mari disait, "Non!
          De trop n'est pas bon!
     Mon derriere exige du secours!"

110     A pretty wife living in Tours
     Demanded her daily amour.
       But the husband said, "No!
          It's to much.  Let it go!
     My backsides are dragging the floor."

111     In the shade of the old apple tree
     Where between her fat legs I could see
       A little brown spot
       With the hair in a knot,
     And it certainly looked good to me.

     I asked as I tickled her tit
     If she thought that my big thing would fit.
       She said it would do
       So we had a good screw
     In the shade of the old apple tree.

     In the shade of the old apple tree
     I got all that was coming to me.
       In the soft dewy grass
       I had a fine piece of ass
     From a maiden that was fine to see.

     I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
     As he sunk his grub hooks into me.
       Her ass it was fine
       But you should have seen mine
     In the shade of the old apple tree.

115     A lad from far-off Transvaal
     Was lustful, but tactful withal.
          He'd say, just for luck,
          "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
        But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.

116     There was a young lady of Twickenham
        Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
       On her knees every day
       To god she would pray
        To lengthen and stregthen and thicken 'em.

117     There was a young lady named Twiss
     Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
       For it tickled her bum
       And caused her to come
     .siht gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW

118     There once was a husky young Viking
     Whose sexual prowess was striking.
       Every time he got hot
       He would scour the twat
     Of some girl that might be to his liking.

119     At the moment Japan declared war
     A sailor was fucking a whore.
       He said, "After this poke
          `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
     This means months till I get back ashore."

120     There was a young lady of Wheeling
        Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
       My little brown jug
       Has need of a plug" --
     And straightaway she started to peeling.

121     Two anglers were fishing off Wight
     And his bobber was dipping all night.
       Murmured she, with a laugh,
          "It's ready to gaff,
        But don't break your rod which is light."

     A couple was fishing near Clombe
     When the maid began looking quite glum,
       And said, "Bother the fish!
          I'd rather coish!"
     Which they did -- which was why they had come.

     As two consular clerks in Madras
     Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
       "What a marvelous pole,"
       Said she, "but control
        Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."

124     Love letters no longer they write us,
     To their homes they so seldom invite us.
       It grieves me to say,
       They have learned with dismay,
        We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.

125     There was a young student from Yale
     Who was getting his first piece of tail.
       He shoved in his pole,
       But in the wrong hole,
     And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"

126     In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
     Complacently stroking his madam,
       And loud was his mirth
       For on all of the earth
        There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

127     There was a young bride of Antigua
     Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
          Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
          Why, you've only felt my twot,
     My legs and my arse and my figua!"

128     There was a young damsel named Baker
     Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
       He yelled, "My God!  what
       Do you call this -- a twat?
     Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"

129     There was once a mechanic named Bench
     Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
       With this vibrant device
       He could reach, in a trice,
     The innermost parts of a wench.

130     There was a young man of Bengal
     Who swore he had only one ball,
       But two little bitches
       Unbuttoned his britches,
     And found he had no balls at all.

131     A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
     Had a pussy as large as a muff.
       It had room for both hands
       And some intimate glands,
        And was soft as a little ducks's fluff.

132     There was a young lady named Blount
     Who had a rectangular cunt.
       She learned for diversion
       Posterior perversion,
     Since no one could fit here in front.

133     There was a young fellow named Bowen
        Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
       It grew so tremendous,
       So long and so pendulous,
        'Twas no godd for fuckin' -- just showin'.

134     There was a young lady named Brent
     With a cunt of enormous extent,
       And so deep and so wide,
       The acoustics inside
     Were so good you could hear when you spent.

135     There was a young girl from the Bronix
     Who had a vagina of onyx.
          She had so much `tsoris'
       With her clitoris,
     She traded it in for a Packard.

136     There was a young lady from Brussels
     Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
       She could easily plex them
       And so interflex them
     As to whistle love songs through her bustles.

137     There was a young lady of Bude
     Who walked down the street in the nude.
       A bobby said, "Whattum
       Magnificent bottom!"
     And slapped it as hard as he could.

138     There once was a queen of Bulgaria
     Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
       Till a prince from Peru
       Who came up for a screw
     Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

139     There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
     Had a very capricious vagina:
       To the shock of the fucker
       "Twould suddenly pucker,
     And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."

140     A lady with features cherubic
     Was famed for her area pubic.
       When they asked her its size
       She replied in surprise,
     "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"

141     There was a fat lady of China
        Who'd a really enormous vagina,
       And when she was dead
       They painted it red,
     And used it for docking a liner.

142     I met a young man in Chungking
     Who had a very long thing --
          But you'll guess my surprise
       When I found that its size
     Just measured a third-finger ring!

143     There was a young man of Coblenz
     Whose ballocks were simply immense:
       It took forty-four draymen,
       A priest and three laymen
     To carry them thither and thence.

144     There was an old man of Connaught
     Whose prick was remarkably short.
       When he got into bed
       The old woman said,
        "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."

145     There once was a girl from Cornell
     Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
       When you touched them they shrunk,
       Except when she was drunk,
     And then they got bigger than hell.

146     There once was a lady of Crete
     So enormously broad in the beam
       That one day in the ocean
       She caused such commotion
     That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America.

147     There was a young fellow named Cribbs
     Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
       They were inches apart,
       And to suck it took art,
     While to fuck it took forty-two trips.

148     There was a young lady whose cunt
     Could accomodate a small punt.
       Her mother said, "Annie,
       It matches your fanny,
     Which never was that of a runt."

149     There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
     Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
       When one pireg is shot,
          There's that alternate twat,
     But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.

150     There was a young man from Dallas
     Who had an exceptional phallus.
          He couldn't find room
          In any girl's womb
     Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.

151     There was a young girl of Des Moines
     Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
       Till a guy from Hoboken
       Went and dropped in a token,
     And now she rides free on the ferry.

152     To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
        "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
       Has the east tit the least bit
       The best of the west tit,
     Or is it the faulty perspective?"

153     There was a young girl of Detroit
     Who at fucking was very adroit:
       She could squeeze her vagina
       To a pin-point, or finer,
     Or open it out like a quoit.

     And she had a friend named Durand
     Whose cock could contract or expand.
       He could diddle a midge
       Or the arch of a bridge --
     Their performance together was grand!

155     There was a young man of Devizes
     Whose balls were of different sizes.
       His tool when at ease,
       Hung down to his knees,
     Oh, what must it be when it rises!

156     Visas erat: huic geminarum
     Dispar modus testicularum:
       Minor haec nihili,
       Palma triplici,
     Jam fecerat altera clarum.

157     There was a young fellow whose dong
     Was prodigiously massive and long.
       On each side of his whang
       Two testes did hang
     That attracted a curious throng.

158     There was a young man from East Wubley
     Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
       Each quadruplicate shaft
       Had two balls hanging aft,
     And the general effect was quite lovely.

159     While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
        Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
       She explained, "They are flat,
       But think nothing of that --
     You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."

160     There was a young fellow from Florida
        Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
       When they got into bed
       He cried, "God strike me dead!
        This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"

161     An old man at the Folies Bergere
     Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
       It snipped off a twat-curl
       From each new chorus girl,
     And he had a wig made of the hair.

162     There was a young man with one foot
     Who had a very long root.
       If he used this peg
       As an extra leg
     Is a question exceedingly moot.

163     In the case of a lady named Frost,
        Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
          It's the best part of valor
       To bugger the gal, or
        You're apt to fall in and get lost.

164     A certain young person of Ghent,
     Uncertain if lady or gent,
       Shows his organs at large
       For a small handling charge
     To assist him in paying the rent.

165     There was an old woman of Ghent
     Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
       She got fucked so often
       At last she got rotten,
        And didn't she stink when she spent.

166     There was a young man from Glengozzle
     Who found a remarkable fossil.
       He knew by the bend
       And the wart on the end,
        'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.

167     There was a young fellow of Greenwich
     Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
       He had such a tool
       It was wound on a spool,
     And he reeled it out inich by inich.

     But this tale has an unhappy finich,
     For due to the sand in the spinach
       His ballocks grew rough
          And wrecked his wife's muff,
     And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.

169     A mathematician named Hall
     Had a hexhedronical ball,
       And the cube of its weight
       Times his pecker, plus eight,
     Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.

170     There was a young fellow of Harrow
     Whose john was the size of a marrow.
       He said to his tart,
          "How's this for a start?
     My balls are outside in a barrow."

171     There was a young fellow named Harry,
     Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
       He pressed it on a virgin
          Who, without any urgin',
     Immeadiately spread like a fairy.

172     There was a young girl named Heather
     Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
       She made a queer noise,
       Which attracted the boys,
     By flapping the edges together.

173     There was an old curate of Hestion
        Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
       But so small was his tool
       He could scarce screw a spool,
     And a cunt was quite out of the question.

174     There was a young man from Hong Kong
     Who had a trifurcated prong:
       A small one for sucking,
       A large one for fucking,
        And a `boney' for beating a gong.

175     A fellow whose surname was Hunt
     Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
       This versatile spout
       Could be turned inside out,
     Like a glove, and be used a s a cunt.

176     Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
        Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
       Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
       When he parted her thighs;
     "Magnifique!  Pourtant pas de la guerre."

177     A highly aesthetic young Jew
     Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
       The end of his dillie
       Was shaped like a lilly,
     And his balls were too utterly two!

178     There once was a lady from Kansas
     Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
       It was nine inches deep
       And the sides were quite steep --
        It had whiskers like General Carranza's.

179     Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
     Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
       The poor wench doth stammer,
       "I need a sledgehammer
     To pound a man into my vent."

180     There was an old gent from Kentuck
     Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
       But he put it away
       For fear that one day
     He might put it in and get stuck.

181     There was an old lady of Kewry
        Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
          The `introitus vaginae',
       Was unnaturally tiny,
     And the thought of it filled her with fury.

182     There was a young fellow named Kimble
     Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
       But fragile and slender,
       And dainty and tender,
     So he kept it encased in a thimble.

183     There was a young man of Lahore
     Whose prick was one inch and no more.
       It was all right for key-holes
          And little girl's pee-holes,
     But not worth a damn with a whore.

184     There once was a horse named Lily
     Whose dingus was really a dilly.
       It was vaginoid duply,
       And labial quadruply --
     In fact, he was really a filly.

185     There was a young fellow from Leeds
     Who swallowed a package of seeds.
       Great tufts of grass
       Sprouted out of his ass
     And his balls were all covered with weeds.

186     The wife of young Richard of Limerick
     Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
       Still grows in diameter
       Each time that you ram at her;
     How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"

187     There was a young lady of Lincoln
        Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
       So she had a prick lent her
       Which turned it magenta,
     This artful old lady of Lincoln.

188     There was a young girl of LLewellyn
     Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
       They were big it is true,
       But here cunt was big too,
     Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
     Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.

189     A contortionist hailing from Lynch
     Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
       A foot cost a quid --
       He could and he did
     Stretch it to three in a pinch.

190     There was a young man from Lynn
     Whose cock was the size of a pin.
       Said his girl with a laugh
       As she felt his staff,
        "This won't be much of a sin."

191     There was a young girl named McCall
     Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
       But the size of her anus
       Was something quite heinous --
     It could hold seven pricks and one ball.

192     There was an old satyr named Mack
     Whose prick had a left handed tack.
       If the ladies he loves
          Don't spin when he shoves,
     Their cervixes frequently crack.

193     An envious girl named McMeanus
        Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
       It was small consolation
       That the rest of the nation
     Of women were with her in weeness.

194     There was a young man named McNamiter
     With a tool of prodigious diameter.
          But it wasn't the size
       Gave the girls a surprise,
     But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.

195     There was a young man of Madras
     Whose balls were constructed of brass.
       When jangled together
       They played "Stormy Weather,"
     And lightning shot out of his ass.

196     A bad little girl in Madrid,
     A most reprehensible kid,
       Told her Tante Louise
       That her cunt smelled like cheese,
     And the worst of it was that it did!

197     There was ayoung man from Maine
     Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
       It was almost as long,
       So he strolled with his dong
     Extended in sunshine and rain.

198     There was a young girl from Medina
     Who could completely control her vagina.
       She could twist it around
       Like the cunts that are found
     In Japan, Manchukuo and China.

199     There was a young fellow named Morgan
     Who possessed an unusual organ:
       The end of his dong,
       Which was nine inches long,
     Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.

200     There was a young soldier from Munich
     Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
       And their chops girls would lick
       When they thought of his prick,
     But alas! he was only a eunuch.

201     There was a young lady of Natchez
     Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
       And she often said, "Shit!
          Why, I'd give either tit
     For a man with equipment that matches."

     There was a young fellow named Locke
     Who was born with a two-headed cock.
          When he'd fondle the thing
       It would rise up and sing
     An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

     But whether these two ever met
     Has not been recorded as yet,
       Still, it would be diverting
       To see him inserting
     His whang while it sang a duet.

204     A girl of uncertain nativity
     Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
       While she sat on the lap
       Of a German or Jap,
     She could sense Fifth Column activity.

205     There was a gay parson of Norton
        Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
       To make up for this loss,
       He had balls like a horse,
     And never spent less than a quartern.

206     A farmer I know named O'Doole
     Had a long and incredible tool.
       He can use it to plow,
       Or to diddle a cow,
     Or just as a cue-stick at pool.

207     A chap down in Oklahoma
     Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
       But the sweetness of pitch
          Couldn't put off the hitch
     Of impotence, size and aroma.

208     There was a young girl named O"Malley
     Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
       She got roars of applause
       When she kicked off her drawers,
        But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

209     There was a young maiden from Osset
     Whose quim was nine inches across it.
       Said a young man named Tong,
       With tool nine inches long,
        "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."

210     "The testes are cooler outside,"
     Said the doc to the curious bride,
       "For the semen must no
       Get too fucking hot,
     And the bag fans your bum on the ride."

211     There was a young fellow named Paul
     Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
       But the size of my prick
          Is God's dirtiest trick,
        For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"

212     There was a young girl of Pawtucket
     Whose box was as big as a bucket.
       Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
          I'll have to wear boots,
     For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."

213     When I was a baby, my penis
     Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
          But now 'this as red
       As her nipples instead--
     All because of the feminie genus!

214     Two roosters in one of our pens
     Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
       As they looked at their foreskins
       And wished they had more skins,
        They discovered they'd both become hens.

215     There was a young fellow of Perth
     Whose balls were the finest on earth.
       They grew to such size
       That one won a prize,
     And goodness knows what they were worth.

216     To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
     Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
       She replied, "Why, you fool,
       With your limp little tool
        It's like driving a nail with a fish!"

217     A very odd pair are the Pitts:
     His balls are as large as here tits,
       Her tits are as large
       As an invasion barge--
     Neither knows how the other cohabits.

218     A young man from the banks of the Po
     Found his cock had elongated so,
          That when he'd pee
       It was not he
        But only his neighbors who'd know.

219     There was a young fellow named Prynne
     Whose prick was so short and so thin,
       His wife found she needed
       A Fuckoscope--she did--
        To see if he'd gotten in.

220     A beautiful lady named Psyche
     Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
       One thing about Ike
          The lady can't like
     Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.

221     There was a fat man from Rangoon
     Whose prick was much like a ballon.
       He tried hard to ride her
       And when finally inside her
     She thought she was pregnant too soon.

222     There was a young fellow called Rex
     With diminutive organs of sex.
       When charged with exposure
       He said with composure,
     "De minimis non curat lex!"

223     There was a young lady named Riddle
     Who had an untouchable middle.
       She had many friends
       Because of her ends,
        Since it isn't the middle you diddle.

224     There was a young man from Salinas
     Who had an extremely long penis:
       Believe it or not,
       When he lay on his cot
     It reached from Marin to Martinez.

225     There was a young harlot named Schwartz
     Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
       And they tickled so nice
       She drew a high price
     From the studs at the summer resorts.

     Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
     Was seldom hard up for a didle,
       For according to rumor
       His tool had a tumor
     And a fine row of warts down the middle.

     Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
     Could rotate his pecker, and then
       He would shoot through his rear
       Which made him dear
     Of the girls, and the envy of men.

     Her other young brother, named Saul,
     Was able to bounce either ball,
       He could stretch them and snap them,
       And juggle and clap them,
     Which earned him the plaudits of all.

229     The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
     Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
       That when posed on her toes
       She elaborately shows
     Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.

230     A cowhand way out in Seattle
     Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle .
          He said, "No, I can't fuck
       A lamb or a duck,
     But golly! it just fits the cattle."

231     There was a young man from Seattle
     Whose testicles tended to rattle.
       He said as he fucked
       Some stones in a bucket,
        "If Stravinsky won't deafen you  -- that'll."

232     There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
     Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
          But her cunt's got a pucker
          That's best not to fuck, or
        When least you expect it to, it'll lock.

233     There was an old fellow named Skinner
     Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
       But still, by and large,
       It would always discharge
     Once he could just get it in her.

234     An ingenious young man in South Bend
     Made a synthetic arse for a friend,
       But the friend shortly found
       Its construction unsound,
     It was simply a bother -- no end.

235     An aesthete from South Carolina
     Had a cock that tickled like China,
       But while shooting his load
       It cracked like old Spode,
        So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.

236     There was a young blade from South Greece
     Whose bush did so greatly increase
       That before he could shack
       He must hunt needle in stack.
        'Twas as bad as being obese.

237     There was a young lady from Spain
     Whose face was exceedingly plain,
       But her cunt had a pucker
       That made the men fuck her,
     Again, and again, and again.

238     Il y avait une madame de Lahore
        Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
       Mais la vagine tres forte,
       Toujours ouverte la porte,
     Encore, et encore, et encore.

239     De Hispanice puella verumque
     Simplex oris verborumque
       Tulit potens vagina
       Hominum agmina
     Iterum iterum iterumque.

240     There once was a girl from Spokane
     Went to bed with a one-legged man.
       She said, "I know you --
          You've really got two!
        Why didn't you say so when we began?"

241     There was a young man from Stamboul
     Who boasted so torrid a tool
       That each female crater
       Explored by this satyr
     Seemed almost unpleasanlty cool.

242     There was a young fellow of Strensall
     Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
       On the night of his wedding
       It went through the bedding,
     And shattered the chamber utensil.

     So here was this fellow of Strensall
     Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
          Anemic, 'tis true,
       But an interesting screw,
     Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.

244     A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
     Renowned for the length of their peenies.
       The hair on their balls
       Sweeps the floors of their halls,
        But they don't look at women, the meanies.

245     There was an old man of Tagore
     Whose tool was a yard long or more,
       So he wore the damn thing
       In a surgical sling
     To keep it from wiping the floor.

246     There was a young lady whose thighs,
     When spread showed a slit of such size,
       And so deep and so wide,
       You could play cards inside --
        Much to her bridegroom's surprise.

247     There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
     Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
       The knob out in front
       Attracted foul cunt
        Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.

248     There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
     Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
          It's deep and it's wide,
       -- You can curl up inside
     With a nice easy chair and a book.

249     There was a gay parson of Tooting
     Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
       Till he married a lass
       With a face like my arse,
     And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.

250     There was a young man of Toulouse
     Who had a deficient prepuce,
       But the foreskin he lacked
       He made up in his sac;
     The result was, his balls were too loose.

251     A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
     Had a hole as big as a basket.
       A spot, as a bride,
       In it now, you could hide,
     And include with your luggage your mascot.

252     A young man maintained that his trigger
        Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
       But this long and thick pud
       Was so heavy it could
     Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.

253     A cautious young fellow named Tunney
     Had a whang that was worth any money.
       When eased in half-way,
          The girl's sigh made him say,
     "Why the sigh?"  "For ths rest of it, honey."

254     There was an old man who said, "Tush!
     My balls always hang in the brush,
       And I fumble about,
       Half in and half out,
     With a pecker as limber as mush."

255     A pious old woman named Tweak
     Had taught her vagina to speak.
       It was frequently liable
       To quote from the Bible,
     But when fucking -- not even a squeak!

256     There once was a newspaper vendor,
     A person of dubious gender.
       He would charge one-and-two
       For permission to view
     His remarkable double pudenda.

257     A maiden who lived in Virginny
     Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
       The horsey set rushed her,
       But success finally crushed her
     For her tone soon became harsh and tiny.

258     There was a young of Warwick
     Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
       For he could by election
       Have triune erection:
     Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.

259     When he tried to inject his huge whanger
        A young man aroused his girl's anger.
       As they strove in the dark
       She was heard to remark,
     "What you need is a zeppelin hanger."

260     There was a young squaw of Wohunt
     Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
       It had many odd uses,
       Produced no papooses,
     And fitted both giant and runt.

261     There was a young laundress named Wrangle
     Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
       "They may tickle my chin,"
       She said with a grin,
     "But at least they keep out of the mangle."

262     An organist playing in York
     Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
       And between obbligatos
          He'd munch at tomatoes,
     And keep up his trength while at work.

263     There was a young man named Zerubbabel
     Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
       When they asked if his pleasure
       Was only half measure,
     He replied, "That is highly improbable."

264     There was a young man named Zerubbabub
     Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
       But the pride of his life
       Were the tits of his wife --
     One real, and one India-rubber bub.

265     Thus spake I AM THAT I AM:
        "For the Virgin I don't give a damn.
       What pleases me most
       Is to bugger the Ghost,
     And then be sucked off by the Lamb."

266     Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY:
     "Por La Virgen un carajo no doy.
       Lo que debe gustar
       Es Jesus caporar --
     Y para hacerlo Yo voy."

267     Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
     Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
       She went down on the gents,
          And pronged the girl's vents
     With a clitoris reaching six inches.

268     There was a young lady named Astor
     Who never let any get past her.
       She finally got plenty
       By stopping twenty,
     Which certainly ought to last her.

269     Oden the bardling averred
     His muse was the bum of a bird,
       And his Lesbian wife
       Would finger his fife
     While Fisherwood waited as third.

270     There was a young fellow named Babbitt
     Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
       But a girl from Johore
       Could do it twice more,
     Which was just enough extra to crab it.

271     A young polo-player of Berkeley
     Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
       In the midst of each chukker
       He would break off and fuck her
     Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.

272     There once was a jolly old bloke
     Who picked up a girl for a poke.
       He took down her pants,
       Fucked her into a trance,
     And then shit into her shoe for a joke.

273     There was a young idler named Blood,
     Made a fortune performing at stud,
       With a fifteen-inch peter,
       A double-beat metre,
     And a load like the Biblical Flood.

274     Though the invalid Saint of Brac
     Lay all of his life on his back,
       His wife got her share,
       And the pilgrims now stare
     At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.

275     There was an old man of Brienz
     The length of whose cock was immense:
       With one swerve he could plug
          A boy's bottom in Zug,
        And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.

276     There once was a Duchess of Bruges
     Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
       Said the king to this dame
       As he thunderously came:
     "Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"

277     There was an old man of Cajon
     Who never could get a good bone.
       With the aid of a gland
       It grew simply grand;
     Now his wife cannot leave it alone.

278     There was a young girl of Cape Cod
        Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
          But it wasn't Jehovah
       That turned the girl over,
        'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
     The bugger, the bastard, the sod!

279     There once was a lady named Carter,
     Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
       She stripped off his pants,
       At his prick quickly glanced,
        And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"

280     A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
     Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
       While the man detumesced
       She still spent on with zest,
     Her rapture sheer anachronism.

281     There was a young man in the choir
     Whose penis rose higher and higher,
       Till it reached such a height
       It was quite out of sight --
        But of course you know I'm a liar.

282     There a young man from the Coast
     Who had an affair with a ghost.
       At the height of orgasm
       Said the pallid phantasm,
     "I think I can feel it -- almost!"

283     Have you heard of the lady named Cox
     Who had a capacious old box?
       When her lover was in place
       She said, "Please turn your face.
     I look like a  gal, but I screw like a fox."

284     A team playing baseball in Dallas
     Called the umpire a shit out of malice.
       While this worthy had fits
       The team made eight hits
     And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.

285     There was a young girl of Darjeeling
     Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
       There was never a sound
       For miles around
     Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

286     There was a young woman in Dee
     Who stayed with each man she did see.
       When it came to a test
       She wished to be best,
     And practice makes perfect, you see.

287     There was a family named Doe,
     An ideal family to know.
       As father screwed mother,
          She said, "You're heavier than brother."
     And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"

288     A lady, by passion deluded,
     Found an African drunk and denuded,
       And -- fir as a fiddle,
       And hot for a diddle --
     She tied splints to his penis and screwed it.

289     There was a strong man of Drumrig
     Who one day did seven times frig.
       He buggered three sailors,
       Four Jews and two tailors,
     And ended by fucking a pig.

290     There was an old man of Duluth
     Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
       He fucked with his nose
       And with fingers and toes,
     And he came through a hole in his tooth.

291     There was an old man of Duddee
     Who came home as drunk as could be.
       He wound up the clock
       With the end of his cock,
     And buggered his wife with the key.

292     A rapturous young fellatrix
     One day was at work on five pricks.
       With an unholy cry
       She whipped out her glass eye:
     "Tell the boys I can now take on six."

293     There was a young man with a fiddle
     Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
       She replied, "Yes, I do,
       But prefer to with two --
        It's twice as much fun in the middle."

294     I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
        Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
       I replied, "Simple shagging
       Without any wagging
     Is only for screwing canoeing."

295     There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
     Was reputed an infamous lecher.
          When he'd take on a whore
          She'd need a rebore,
        And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.

296     A young fellow discovered through Freud
     That although of penis devoid,
       He could practice coitus
       By eating a foetus,
     And his parents were quite overjoyed.

297     There was a young man from Jodhpur
     Who found he could easily cure
       His dread diabetes
       By eating a foetus
     Served up in a sauce of manure.

298     There once was a sailor named Gasted,
     A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
       He could jerk himself off
       In a basket, aloft,
     Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.

299     There was a young girl of Gibraltar
     Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
       It really seems odd
       That a virtuous God
     Should answer her prayers and assault her.

300     A young man with passions quite gingery
        Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
       He slapped her behind
       And made up his mind
     To add incest to insult and injury.

301     A passionate red-headed girl,
     When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
       And her twat would get wet
       And would wiggle and fret,
     And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.

302     There was a young lady named Gloria
     Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
       And then by six men,
       Sir Gerald again,
     And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

303     Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
     She obliges all who accost her.
       She welcomes the prick
       Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
     Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.

304     The latest reports from Good Hope
     State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
       And fuck high, wide, and free,
       From the top of one tree
     To the top of the next -- what a scope!

305     A newlywed couple from Goshen
     Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
       In twenty-eight days
       They got laid eighty ways --
     Imagine such fucking devotion!

306     There was a young fellow named Grimes
     Who fucked his girl seventeen times
       In the course of a week --
          And this isn't to speak
     Of assorted venereal crimes.

307     There was a young lady named Hatch
     Who would always come through in a scratch.
          If a guy wouldn't neck her,
          She'd grab up his pecker
     And shove the damn thing up her snatch.

308     There was a young lady named Hilda
     Who went for a walk with a builder.
       He knew that he could,
       And he should, and he would --
     And he did -- and he goddam near killed her!

309     Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
     Homo qui aedificabat.
       Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
       Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
     Sed virginem pine necebat.

310     I know of a fortunate Hindu
        Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
       By the ladies he knows,
       Who are thrilled to the toes
     By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.

311     If you're speaking of actions immoral
     The how about giving the laurel
       To doughty Queen Esther,
       No three men could best her --
     One fore, and one aft, and one oral.

312     There was a young miss from Johore
        Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
       In a manner uncanny
          She'd wobble her fanny,
     And drain your nuts dry to the core.

313     There was a young fellow of Kent
     Whose prick was so long that it bent,
       So to save himself trouble
       He put it in double,
     And instead of coming he went.

314     There was a young man of Kildare
     Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
       The bannister broke,
       But he doubled his stroke
     And finished her off in mid-air.

315     A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
     While bent over plucking a dingle
       Had the whole of Eisteddfod
       Taking turns at his pod
     While they sang some impossible jingle.

316     There once were two brothers named Luntz
     Who buggered each other at once.
       When asked to account
       For this intricate mount,
     They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."

317     There was a young lady named Mable
     Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
       Then cry to her man,
       "Stuff in all you can --
        Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."

318     An impotent Scot named MacDougall
     Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
       He was gathering semen
       To gender a he-man,
     By screwing his wife through a bugle.

319     There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
     Who was diddled amazingly often.
       She was rogered by scores
          Who'd been turned down by whores,
     And was finally screwed in her coffin.

320     A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
     Was having a captive, a person
       Who was not averse
       Though she had the curse,
        And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.

321     There was a young Scot in Madrid
     Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
       When they said, "Are you faint?"
          He replied, "No, I ain't,
        But I don't feel as good as I did."

322     There was a young fellow of Mayence
     Who fucked his own arse, in defiance
       Not only of custom
       And morals, dad-bust him,
     But most of the known laws of science.

323     The woman who lives on the moon
     Is still cherishing the balloon
          Of an earthling who'd come
       And given her some,
     But had dribbled away all too soon.

324     There is a young faggot named Mose
     Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
          And you'll double the joy
       Of this lecherous boy
        If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.

325     There was an Old Man of the Mountain
     Who frigged himself into a fountain
       Fifteen times had he spent,
          Still he wasn't content,
     He simply got tired of the counting.

326     There was a young lady named Nance
     Who learned about fucking in France,
          And when you'd insert it
          She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
     And shoved it right back in your pants.

327     A studious professor named Nestor
     Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
       But she drained out his balls
       And skipped up the walls,
     Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.

328     The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
     No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
       Where ten thousand virgins
          Succumbed to his urgin's
     There now stands the great State of Utah.

329     There was a young girl of Newcastle
     Whose charms were declared universal.
       While one man in front
       Wired into her cunt,
     Anothere was engaged at her arsehole.

330     There was a young girl from New York
     Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
       A woodpecker or two
       Made the grade it is true,
     But it totally baffled the stork.

     Till along came a man who presented
     A tool that was strangely indented.
       With a dizzying twirl
       He punctured that girl,
     And thus was the cork-screw invented.

332     There was a young girl named O'Clare
     Whose body was covered with hair.
       It was really quite fun
          To probe with one's gun,
     For her quimmy might be anywhere.

333     There once was a gay young Parisian
     Who screwed an appendix incision,
       And the girl of his choice
       Could hardly rejoice
     At the horrible lack of precision.

334     While spending the winter at Pau
     Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
       So the head-porter made her
       The second-cook laid her;
     The waiters were all hanging low.

335     There was a young girl of Penzance
     Who boarded a bus in a trance.
       The passengers fucked her,
       Likewise the conductor.
     The driver shot off in his pants.

336     The Shah of the Empire of Persia
     Lay for days in a sexual merger.
       When the nautch asked the Shah,
          "Won't you ever withdraw?"
        He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."

337     A remarkable race are the Persians,
     They have such peculiar diversions.
       They screw the whole day
       In a regular way,
     And save up the nights for perversions.

338     There was a young girl of Rangoon
     Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
       "Well, it has been great fun,"
          She remarked when he'd done,
        "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."

339     There was a young lady named Ransom
     Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
       When she cried out for more
       A voice from the floor
     Said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."

340     A maestro directing in Rome
     Had a quaint way of driving it home.
       Whoever he climbed
       Had to keep her tail timed
     To the beat of his old metronome.

341     "Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
     "In a long-distance telephone booth,
       I enjoyed the perfection
       Of an ideal connection --
     I was screwed, if you must know the truth."

342     Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
        Of all the girls that I've had,
       None gave me the thrill
       Of real rapture until
     I learned how to be a tribade."

343     There once was a handsome young seaman
     Who with ladies was really a demon.
       In peace or in war,
       At sea or on shore,
     He could certainly dish out the semen.

344     Said a girl being had in a shanty,
     "My dear, you have got it in slanty."
       He replied, "I can use
       Any angle I choose.
        I ride as I please -- I'm Duranty!"

345     An old couple just at Shrovetide
     Were having a piece -- when he died.
       The wife for a week
       Sat tight on his peak,
     And bounced up and down as she cried.

346     My wife is an amorous soul
        On fire for an African's pole.
       She told a coon chauffeur
       That he was her gopher --
     And, say, did he go for her hole!

        As he creamed my wife's cunt, the coon said,
     "I could fuck this until she was dead!"
       As he plugged up her trough,
       I jerked myself off;
        "If that's how you feel, go ahead!"

348     There was a young lady of Spain
     Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
       They did it again
       And again and again,
     And again and again and again.

(1)     A habit depraved and unsavory
     Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
      Midst screeches and howls
      He deflowered young owls
     Which he kept in an underground aviary.     

(2)     While Titian was mixing rose madder
     His model ascended the ladder
       Her position to Titian
       Suggested coition
     So he mounted the ladder and had her.        

(3)     There was a young girl from New York
     Who plugged up her quim with a cork
       A woodpecker or two
       Made the grade, it is true,
     But it totally baffled the stork.        

(4)     A remarkable race are the Persians,
     They have such peculiar diversions.
       They screw the whole day
       In the regular way,
     And save up the nights for perversions.     

(5)     There was a young lady named Ransom
     Who was raped three times in a hansom
       When she cried out for more
       Said a voice from the floor,
        "My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson!        

(6)     There was a young man from Tibet-
     And this is the strangest one yet-
       Whose tool was so long,
       So pointed and strong,
     He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".    

(7)     There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
     Who insists on a dozen a night.
       A fellow named Cheddar
       Had the brashness to wed her-
     His chance of survival is slight.        

(8)     A worried young man from Stamboul
     Discovered red spots on his tool.
       Said the doctor, a cynic,
      "Get out of my clinic!
     Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."        

(9)     A broken-down harlot named Tupps
     Was heard to confess in her cups:
       "The height of my folly
        Was diddling a collie-
     But I got a nice price for the pups."        

(10)     There was an old whore in the Azores
     Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
       Why the dogs in the street
          Wouldn't eat the green meat
     That hung in festoons from her drawers.     

(11)     There was a young poet named Dan,
     Whose poetry never would scan.
       When told this was so,
       He said,"Yes, I know,
        It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can.

(12)     There was an old hermit named Dave
     Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
          He said "I'll admit
           I'm a bit of a shit,
     But look at the money I save."            

(13)     A scandal involving an oyster
     Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
       She preferred it, in bed,
       To the count, (so she said)
        'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.    

(14)     There once was a bishop from Birmingham
        Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
       As they knelt on the hassock
       He lifted his cassock
        And slipped his Episcopal worm in 'em.          

(15)     There was an old pirate named Bates
     Who was learning to rhumba on skates
       He fell on his cutlass
       Which rendered him nutless
     And practically useless on dates.        

(16)     On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
     Was tatooed the price of her tail
       And on her behind,
       For the sake of the blind,
     Was the same information in Braille.        

(17)     If continence causes neurosis
     And intercourse causes thrombosis
          I'd rather expire
       Fulfilling desire
     Than live in a state of psychosis.        

(18)     There Was a young lady named Rose
     With erogenous zones in her toes.
       She remained onanistic
       Till a foot-fetishistic
     Young man became one of her beaux.        

(19)     There was a young man named Rex
     Who really was small for his sex.
       When tried for exposure
          The judge's disclosure
     Was "De minimus non curat lex."         

(20)     There was a young fellow from Kent
     Whose cock was so long that it bent
       To save himself trouble
       He put it in double
     And instead of coming, he went.         

(21)     There was a young man from Nantucket
     Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
       He said with a grin,
       While wiping his chin,
     "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."    

(22)     Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
     "This must be our final adieu,
       For the vicar is slicker,
       And thicker, and quicker,
     And two inches longer than you."        

(23)     A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
     Resounded for miles upon miles.
       Said the friar, "Good gracious,
       The brother Ignatious
        Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."                

(24)     There was a young man named Laplace
     Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
       When they banged together
       They played "Stormy Weather"
     And lightning shot out of his ass.        

(25)     There was a young man named Knute
     Who had warts all over his root.
       He put acid on these
       And now when he pees,
     He fingers the thing like a flute.        

(26)     A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
     Went down on her beau in the garden.
       He said, "Good lord, Tess,
          Don't swallow that mess!"
     And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"    

(27)     A physical fellow named Fisk
     Could screw at a rate very brisk.
       So fast was his action
       The Fitzgerald contraction
     Would shrink up his rod to a disk.        

(28)     There was a young lady named Bright
     Who could travel much faster than light.
       She took off one day,
       In a relative way,
     And returned on the previous night.        

(29)     A computer called ILLIAC4
     Had a rather tough bug in its core.
       It chewed up its cards
       And spewed yards and yards
     Of illegible tape on the floor.         

(30)     There once was a couple named Kelly
     Who walked around belly-to-belly.
       It seems in their haste,
          They used Carter's paste
     Instead of petroleum jelly.            

(31)     An amazon giantess named Dunne
     Let a midget screw her for fun.
       But the poor little runt
       Was engulfed in her cunt
     And re-born as the twin of his son.        

(32)     There was an old maid from Cape Cod
     Who thought all good things came from god.
          But it wasn't the almighty
       Who lifted her nighty,
        It was Roger, the lodger, by god.               

(33)     There was a young man from Bel-aire
     Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
       But the banister broke
       So he doubled his stroke
     And finished her off in mid-air.        

(34)     An architect fellow named Yoric
     Could, when feeling euphoric,
       Display for selection
       Three kinds of erection-
     Corinthian, Ionic, and Doric.            

(35)     A gay young prince from Morocco
     Made love in a manner Rococco.
       He painted his penis
       To resemble a Venus
     And flavored his semen with cocoa.        

(36)     A frustrated lady named Alice
     Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
       They found her vagina
       In North Carolina
     And bits of her tits were in Dallas.        

(37)     There was a young man from Boston
     Who rode around in an Austin.
       There was room for his ass
       And a gallon of gas,
        But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.         

(38)     There was a young monk from Siberia
        Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
       Till he did to a nun
          What shouldn't be done
        And made her a mother superia'.                 

(39)     There was a young lady from Wheeling
     Who had a peculiar feeling.
       She laid on her back
       And tickled her crack
     And pissed all over the ceiling.        

(40)     On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
        The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
      "Aha!" said the mate,
       "That settles the fate
        Of the captain, the pilot, and me."             

(41)     There was a young man from Bear Ridge
     Who had strange ideas about marriage.
          He fucked his wife's mother
       And sucked off her brother
        And ate up her sister's miscarriage.            

(42)     A clever young man named Eugene
     Invented a jack-off machine.
       On the twenty-third stroke
       The goddam thing broke
     And beat both his balls to a creame.        

(43)     There was a young man from Racine
     Who invented a fucking machine.
       Concave or convex,
       It served either sex,
     But oh what a bitch to keep clean.        

(44)     A pansy who lived in Khartoum
     Took a lesbian up to his room.
       They argued all night
       Over who had the right
     To do what, with which, and to whom.        

(45)     There once was a girl from Madras
     Who had such a beautiful ass -
       It was not round and pink
       ( As you bastards think )
     But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.    

(46)     A maiden who travelled in France
     Once got on a train, just by chance.
       The engineer fucked her,
       The conductor sucked her,
     And the fireman came in his pants.        

(47)     There was a young man from Dundee
     Who buggered an ape in a tree.
       The results were quite horrid:
       All ass and no forehead,
     Three balls and a purple goatee.        

(48)     There was a young man from Rangoon
        Who used to lament 'neath the moon
       That he had the luck
       To be born of a fuck
     That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.        

(49)     A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
     Once swallowed a package of seeds.
       In a month, his ass
       Was covered with grass
     And his balls were grown over with weeds.    

(50)     An ardent young man named Magruder
     Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
       She thought it quite lewd
       To be wooed in the nude,
     But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.    

(51)     Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
        Who came to Rumania's rescue?
          It's a wonderful thing
       To be under a king--
     Is democracy better, I esk you?         

(52)     There once was a gangster named Brown
     - The sneakiest bastard in town.
       He was caught by G-men
       Shooting his semen
     Where the cops would slip and fall down.    

(53)     There was a young girl from Decatur
     Who was raped by an alligator.
       But no one quite knew
       How she relished that screw,
     For after he screwed her, he ate her.        

(54)     The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
     Do an act in the nude on their knees.
       They crawl down the aisle
       While screwing dog-style,
        As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."        

(55)     "Well, I took your advice, doc," said Knopp,
     "And told my wife to try it on top.
       She bounced for an hour,
       Till she ran out of power,
        And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." 

(56)    There was a young man from St. Paul's
        Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
       Till he grew such a passion
       For feminine fashion
     That he knitted a snood for his balls.        

(57)     There was a young lady from Rio
     Who slept with the fornier trio.
       As she dropped her panties
       She said, "No andanties!
     I want this allegro con brio."            

(58)     There was an old bishop from Buckingham
        Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
       His wife with distain
       Could scarcely restrain
     That sprightly old bishop from * * *.        

(59)     A greedy young lady from Sidney
     Liked it in up to her kidney,
       Till a man from Quebec
       Shoved it up to her neck--
        He really diddled her, didn' he?                

(60)     A pretty young lady named Vogel
     Once sat herself down on a molehill.
       A curious mole
       Nosed into her hole-
        Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.             

(61)     There once was a fellow named Potts
     Who was prone to having the trots
       But his humble abode
       Was without a commode
     So his carpet was covered with spots.        

(62)     A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
     Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
       The result of this fuck
       Was a three titted duck,
     A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.

(63)     There was an old whore from Silesia
        Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
       For a slight extra sum
        You can go up my bum
        But watch out or my tapeworm'll seize ya."      

(64)     For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
     That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
       But the one remedy
       For contagious V.D.
     Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.        

(65)     A cute little twerp from Samoa
     Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
       It was good for keyholes
          And debutantes' peeholes
        But not worth a damn on a whoa.                 

(66)     There was a young fellow called Clyde
     Who fell in an outhouse and died.
       He had a twin brother
       Who fell in another
        So now they're interred side by side.           

(67)     A lusty young maid from Seattle
     Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
       Till she found a bull
       Who filled her so full
     It made both her ovaries rattle.        

(68)     There once was a man with a hernia
     Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
       When you work on my middle
          Be sure you don't fiddle
     With things that do not concern ya."        

(69)     A princess who reigned in Baroda
     Made her home on a purple pagoda.
       She festooned the walls
       Of her halls with the balls            
        And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.      

(70)     A lady, while dining in Crewe,
        Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
          Said the waiter, "Don't shout
       Or wave it about
     Or the others will ask for one, too."        

(71)     There was a young plumber named Lee
     Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
       She said, "Stop your plumbing,
          There's somebody coming!"
        Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"    

(72)     There was a young lady from Exeter,
     So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
       One was even so brave
       As to take out and wave
     The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.    

(73)     In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
     Complacently stroking his madam
       And loud was his mirth
       For on all of the Earth
        There were only two balls and he had 'em.       

(74)     A mathematician named Hall
     Has a hexahedronical ball,
       And the cube of its weight
          Times his pecker's plus eight
     Is his phone number - give him a call.        

(75)     There was a young harlot from Kew
     Who filled her vagina with glue.
       She said with a grin,
      "If they pay to get in,
        They'll pay to get out of it too."              

(76)     There was an old count of Swoboda
     Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
      So, with great savoir-faire,
      She stood on a chair
     And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.        

(77)     There was a young man in Havana,
     -Banged his girl on a player-piana.
       At the height of their fever
       Her ass hit the lever -
     And: Yes!  He has no banana!            

(78)     She begged and she pleaded for more.
        I said, "We've already had four,
          And I'm sure that you've heard,
       Though its somewhat absurd,
     That eros spelt backwards is sore."        

(79)     There once was a horny old bitch
     With a motorized self-frigger which
       She would use with delight
       All day long and all night -
     Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.        

(80)     A geneticist living in Delft
     Scientifically played with himself,
       And when he was done
       He labelled it: Son,
     And filed him away on a shelf.            

(81)     Said Einstein, "I have an equation
     Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
       Let  V  be Virginity
       Approaching infinity;
     Let  P    be a constant persuasion;

     Let  V    over  P  be Inverted
     With the square root of Mu inserted
       N  times into  V ...
       The Result, Q E D,
     Is a relative!" Einstein Asserted.        

(82)     The sexual desires of the camel are greater than anyone thinks.
     Why once in a moment of passion one tried to deflower the sphinx
        Now the sphinx's posterior orifice is clogged with the sands of the nile
        Which accounts for the hump on the camel's back and the sphinx's inscrutable smile.

(83)     The new cinematic emporium
     Is not just a super-sensorium,
       But a highly effectual
     Mutual masturbatorium.                

(84)     An artist who lived in Australia
     Once painted his ass like a dahlia.
       The drawing was fine,
       The colour - devine,
     The scent - Ah! that was a failia.        

(85)     There was a young man of Devizes,
     Whose balls were of different sizes.
       One was so small,
       It was nothing at all;
     The other took numerous prizes.         

(86)     A talented girl from Detroit
     Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
       She could squeeze her vagina
       To a pin-point or finer
     Or open it out like a quoit.            

(87)     There was a young royal marine,
     Who tried to fart "God Save The Queen".
       When he reached the soprano
       Out came only guano
        And his britches weren't fit to be seen.        

(88)     Il y avait un jeune homme de Dijon,
        Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
          Il dit: "Quant a' moi,
       Je deteste tous les trois,
     Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"        

(89)     There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
     Whose people all thought her a virgin,
       Till they found her in bed
       With her twat very red,
        And the head of a kid just emergin'.            

(90)     There was a young girl from Samoa
     Who pledged that no man would know her.
       One young fellow tried,
       But she wriggled aside,
     And he spilled all his spermatozoa.        

(91)     There was a young lady named Wylde
     Who kept herself quite undefiled
       By thinking of Jesus;
       Contagious diseases;
        And the bother of having a child.               

(92)     There was a young lady from Spain
     Who got sick as she rode on a train;
       Not once, but again,
       And again, and again,
     And again, and again, and again.        

(93)     There was a young girl from St. Paul
     Who went to a newspaper ball.
       Her dress caught on fire
       And burnt her entire
     Front page and sport section and all.        

(94)     A silly young man from Hong Kong
     Had hands that were skinny and long.
       He ate rice with his fingers--
       The taste of it lingers,
     But now all his fingers are gone.        

(95)     According to experts, the oyster
     In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
       May frequently be
       Either he or a she
     Or both, if it should be its choice ter.    

(96)     The cruelest of creatures the crab
     With claws that can pinch you or stab,
       And then when you dine
       On crab and white wine
     It gets you as well with the tab.        

(97)     That naughty old Sappho of Greece
     Said: "What I prefer to a piece
       Is to have my pudenda
       Rubbed hard by the enda
     The little pink nose of my niece."        <12th Letter>

(98)     Two eager young men from Cawnpore
     Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
       But her partition split
       And the blood and the shit
     Rolled out in a mess on the floor.        

(99)     There was a young girl from Peru,
     Who noticed her lovers were few;
       So she walked out her door
       With a fig leaf, no more,
        And now she's in bed - with the flu.            

(100)     There was a young lady from Spain
     Who demurely undressed on a train.
       A helpful young porter
       Helped more than he orter,
     And she promptly cried, "Help me again!"    

(101)     A pretty young maiden from France
        Decided she'd just "Take a chance."
       She let herself go
       For an hour or so
     And now all her sisters are aunts.        

(102)     A team playing baseball in Dallas
     Called the umpire blind out of malice.
       While this worthy had fits
       The team made eight hits
     And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.    

(103)     A bather whose clothing was strewed
     By breezes that left her quite nude,
       Saw a man come along
       And, unless I am wrong,
     You expected this line to be lewd.        

(104)   She wasn't what one could call pretty
     And other girls offered her pity,
       So nobody guessed
       That her Wasserman test
     Involved half the men in the city.        

(105)     There was a young lady from Norway
     Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
       She told her young man,
      "Get off the divan,
        I think I've discovered one more way!"          

(106) There was a young girl who begat
     Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
          T'was fun in the breeding
       But hell in the feeding
        When she found there's no tit for tat.          

(107)     A girl camper once had an affair
     With a fellow all covered with hair.
       When she gave him his hat
       She realized that
        She'd been had by Smokey the bear.              

(108)     A busy young lady named Gloria
     Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
       And then by six men,
       Sir Gerald again,
     And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.        

(109)     Oh pity the prince, Montezuma!
     He tried to make love to a puma.
       Seems the puma, in play,
       Tore his testes away -
     - An example of animal huma.            

(110)     A cautious young fellow named Lodge
     Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
       When his date was strapped in,
       He committed a sin,
     Without even leaving his grodge.        

(111)     A progressive professor named Winners
     Held classes each evening for sinners.
       They were graded and spaced
         So the vile and debased
     Would not be held back by beginners.        

(112)     To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
        "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
       Is your east tit the least bit
       The best of your west tit,
     Or is it a trick of perspective?"        

(113)     There once was a lady named Myrtle
     Who had an affair with a turtle.
       She had crabs, so they say,
           In a year and a day
     Which proved that that turtle was fertile.    

(114)     There was a young lad - name of Durcan
        Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
       His father said, "Durcan!
          Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
        Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.        

(115) There once was a man from Sandem
     Who was making his girl on a tandem.
       At the peak of the make
       She jammed on the brake
     And scattered his semen at random.        

(116)     There once was a fellow named Brewster
     Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
      "It used to be grand
       But look at my hand!
        You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."        

(117)     A petulant man once said, "Pish!
     Your cunt is as big as a dish."
       She replied, "Why you fool,
       With your limp little tool,
        It's like driving a pin with a fish."           

(118)     There was an old man from Bengal
     Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
          His favorite trick
       Was to stand on his dick
     While he rolled around on one ball.        

(119)     There once was a fellow named Sweeney
     Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
       Not being uncouth,
       He added vermouth
     And slipped his amour a martini.        

(120)     On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
     Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
       Not Russian elite-
          She's eager to eat
     Whatever or whoever lays her.            

(121)     There was a man from Mich.
     Who used to wish and wich.
       That spring would come
          So he could bum
     Around and go out fich.             

(122)     There was a young lady named Ciss
        Who Said, "I think skating's a bliss!"
          But she'll never restate,
       For a wheel off her skate
     .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM     

(123)     A joker who haunts Monticello
     Is really a terrible fellow.
       In the midst of caresses
       He fills ladies dresses
     With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.    

(124) There once was a maid from Mobile
     Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
       She only got thrills
       From pneumatic drills
     And an off-centered emery wheel.        

(125)     There was a young fellow named Feeney
     Whose girl was a terrible meany.
         The hatch of her snatch
       Had a catch that would latch
     -She could only be screwed by Houdini.        

(126)     There was a young lady from Wheeling
     Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
       But a cynic named Boris
       Just touched her clitoris
     And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.    

(127)     A marine being sent to Hong Kong
     Got a doctor to alter his dong.
       He sailed off with a tool
       Flat and thin as a rule-
     When he got there he found he was wrong.    

(128)     There was a young girl from East Lynn
      ( To save her from sin )
       Had filled up her crack
       With hard-setting shellac,
     But the boys picked it out with a pin.        

(129)     There was a young girl named Saphire
        Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
          She said, "It's a sin,
          But now that it's in,
     Could you shove it a few inches higher?"    

(130)     There was a young fellow named Hatch
     Who was fond of the music of Bach.
          He said: "It's not fussy
       Like Brahms and Debussy;
        Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."          

(131)     There was an old lady of Glascow,
     Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
       At nine-thirty, about,
       The lights all went out,
     Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.    

(132)     A limerick packs laughs anatomical
     Into space that is quite economical.
          But the good ones I've seen
          So seldom are clean,
     And the clean ones so seldom are comical.    

(133) A lady from Kalamazoo
     Once found she had nothing to do,
       So she sat on the stairs
       And she counted her hairs:

(134)     A corpulent maiden named Kroll
     Had a notion exceedingly droll:
       At a masquerade ball,
       Dressed in nothing at all,
     She backed in as a Parker House roll.        

(135)     There was a young lady named Nelly
     Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
       They could tickle her twat
       Or be tied in a knot,
     and could even swat flies on her belly.     

(136)     There once was a girl named Priscilla
     Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
       The taste was so fine
       Man and beast stood in line
      (Including a stud armadilla).            

(137)     There was an old man from Duluth
     Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
       He fucked with his nose
       Or his fingers and toes
     And he came thru a hole in his tooth.        

(138)     There was a young lady from Rheims
     Who amazingly pissed in FOUR streams.
       A friend poked around
       And a fly-button found
     Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.        

(140)     There was a gay Countess of Bray,
     And you may think it odd when I say,
       That in spite of high station,
       - Rank and education,
        She always spelled cunt with a 'K'.             

(141)     There was an old man of Connaught
     Whose prick was remarkably short.
       When he got into bed,
       The old woman said,
        "This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"              

(142) There was a young cook with the art
     Of making a delicious tart
       With a handful of shit,
       Some snot and some spit,
        And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.          

(143)     There was a young lass from Surat.
     The cheeks of her ass were so fat
       That they had to be parted
       Whenever she farted,
     And also whenever she shat.            

(144)     There was a young lady of Gaza
     Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
       The crabs, in a lump,
       Made tracks to her rump -
     This passing parade did amaze her.        

(145)     A doctoral student from Buckingham
        Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking 'em.
       But a dropout from Paree
       Taught him Gamahuchee
        - So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.        

(146)     There was a young woman of Cheadle,
     Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
       Said she, "does it itch?"
       "It does, you damned bitch,
     And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."    

(147)     There was a poor parson from Goring,
     Who made a small hole in his flooring,
       Fur-lined it all round,
       Then laid on the ground,
     And declared it was cheaper than whoring.    

(148)     A potter who lived in Bombay
     Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
       But the heat of his prick
       Kilned the damn thing to brick
        And chafed all his foreskin away.               

(149)     There was a young lady from Siam
     Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
       "You may kiss me of course,
          But you'll have to use force.                 
        Though god knows you're stronger than I Am."    

(150)     On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
     His girl got a yen for fellatio.
       As she sucked on his dingus
       He tried cunnilingus
        But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.         

(151) There was a young man of Calcutta,
     Who tried to write "CUNT" on a shutter.
       When he got to C-U,
       A pious Hindoo
     Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.    

(152)     A handsome young rodent named Gratian
     As a lifeguard became a sensation.
        All the lady mice waved
        And screamed to be saved
     By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.        

(153)   In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
        Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
        But this lubricant lapse
           Isn't noticed, perhaps
     Because NOBODY does in Duluth.            

(154)   A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
     And had an affair with a Saracen.
        She was not oversexed,
        Or jealous or vexed,
     She just wanted to make a comparison.        

(155)     A princess who lived near a bog
     Met a prince in the form of a frog.
        Now she and her prince
        Are the parents of quints,
     Four boys and one fine polliwog.        

(156)     A new dramatist of the absurd
     Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
        I learn from my spies
           He's about to devise
     An unprintable three-letter word.        

(157)     A teenage protester named Lil
     Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill!
        First they bugged our martinis,
        Our bras and bikinis,
     And now they are bugging the pill."        

(158)     There was a young man of Bombay
     Who buggered his dad once a day.
          He said, "I like, rather,
          Fucking my father --
        He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."        

(159)     A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
        I am not I, I'm a tree."
          But another, more sane,
             Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
     And covered his pants leg with pee.        

(160) There once was a fellow named Bob
     Who in sexual ways was a snob.
             One day he was swimmin'
          with twelve naked women
     And deserted them all for a gob.        

(161)     There once was a monk of Camyre
     Who was seized with a carnal desire
          And the primary cause
             Was the abbess's drawers
     Which were hung up to dry by the fire.        

(162)     An exotic young lady named Suki
     Once danced in a troupe of Kabuki
          When asked for a fuck
          She said, "Solly, no luck--
     See here!  Looky looky, no nuki!"        

(163)     One evening a Guru had coitus
     With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
          When asked what position
          He used for coition,
     He answered serenely, "The loetus."        

(164)     Asked a supplicant priest of the Pontiff,
     "Do I sin if I do what I want, if
          I screw a young nun
          In the Eastertide sun?"
     His Holiness murmured, "Gut Yontiff."        

(165)     A pious young lady of Chichester
     Made all of the saints in their niches stir
          And each morning at matin
          Her breast in pink satin
        Made the Bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.  

(166)     There was a young gaucho named Bruno
     Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
          Women are fine
          And children devine,
     But the llama is Numero Uno."            

(167)     There was a young lady at sea
     Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
          Said the brawny old Mate,
          "That accounts for the state
     Of the cook and the captain and me."        

(168)     A lovely young maid from St. Jude
     Once rode through the streets in the nude.
          The police cried, "Whatam--
          Agnificent bottom!"
     And slapped it as hard as they cude.        

(169) Said a pornographistic young poet
     "Although I perhaps do not show it,
          My interest in sin
          Is wearing quite thin,
        And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."   

(170)     There was a young fellow named Grant
     Who was made like the sensitive plant.
          When they asked "Do you fuck?"
          He replied, "No such luck.
        I would if I could, but I can't."               

(171)     There was a young monk of Dundee
     Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
          He said, "Pax vobiscum,
             Now why won't the piss come?
        I'm afraid I've the C-L-A-P."                   

(172)     A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
     Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
          To arrest his regard
          She would squat in his yard
     And longingly pee in the sneaux.        

(173)     There was a young woman, quite handsome,
     Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
          When she offered much gold
          For release, she was told
        That the view was worth more than the ransom.   

(174)     There was a young man from Bengal
     Who claimed he had only one ball,
          But two little bitches
             Pulled down this man's breeches
     And proved he had nothing at all.        

(175)     Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
        And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
          How they lift the frock
          And tickle the cock
        Of the Bishop while he was confirming 'em?      

(176)     There was a young lady from Wooster
     Who complained that too many men gooster.
          So she traded her scanties
          For sandpaper panties,
        Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.

(177)     A weary old lecher named Blott
     Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
          Too lazy to rape her,
          He made darts out of paper,
     Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.        

(178) An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
     Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
          She was finally the prize
          Of a man twice her size
     And all she recalls is the ache.        

(179)     A gifted young fellow from Sparta
        Was widely renowned as a farta'.
          He could fart anything
          From "Of Thee I Sing,"
        To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."              

(180)     A deep-throated virgin named Netty
     Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
          She said, "It tastes nice,
          Much better than rice,
     Though not quite as good as spaghetti."     

(181)     There was a young man of Lake Placid
     Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
          When he wanted to sport
          He would have to resort
     To injections of sulphuric acid.        

(182)     A certain young sheik of Algiers
     Said to his harem, "My dears,
          Though you may think it odd of me,
             I'm tired of just sodomy
        Let's try straight fucking." (Loud cheers!)     

(183)     An ambitious lady named Harriet
     Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
          By seventeen sailors
          A monk and three tailors,
     Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.            

(184)     The old archeologist, Throstle,
     Discovered a marvelous fossil.
          He knew from its bend
          And the knot on the end,
        T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.            

(185)     "Well, Madam," the Bishop declared,
     While the Vicar just mumbled and stared,
             "'Twere better, perhaps,
          In the crypt or the apse,
     Because sex in the nave must be shared."    

(186)     The Kings of Peru were the Incas,
     Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
          They worshipped the sun
          And had lots of fun,
     But the peasants all thought they were stincas. 

(187) There was a young lady named Cager
     Who, as the result of a wager,
          Consented to fart
          The entire oboe part
        Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major.                 

(188)     A whimsical fellow named Bloch
     Could beat the base drum with his cock.
          With a special erection
          He could play a selection
     From Johann Sebastian Bach.            

(189)     There was an old man of Hong-Kong
     Who NEVER did anything wrong.
         He would lie on his back
          With his head in a sack
     And secretly finger his dong.            

(190)     There was an old person of Ware
     Who had an affair with a bear.
             He explained, "I don't mind,
             For it's gentle and kind,
     But I wish it had slightly less hair."        

(191)     A hearty young fellow named Yost
     Once had an affair with a ghost.
          At the height of the spasm
          The poor ectoplasm
     Cried, "Goodie!  I feel it ... almost."     

(192)     A pretty young boy known as Kevin
     Was raped in a pasture by seven
          Lascivious beasts
      (Oh, those Anglican priests!)
     And such is the kingdom of heaven.        

(193)     Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
     By all of the lads in his class
          He said, with a yawn,
             "Now the novelty's gone
        And it's only a pain in the ass."               

(194)     A lad, at his first copulation,
     Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
          Gyration, elation
          Throughout the duration,
        I guess I'll give up masturbation."             

(195)     A charmer from old Amarillo,
     Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
          Decided one day
          That to keep men away
     She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.    

(196) A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
     Got a charming girl patient alone,
          And, in his depravity,
          Filled the wrong cavity.
     God, how his practice has grown!        

(197)     There was a young lady named Alice
     Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
             'Twas the common belief
          It was done for relief,
     And not out of Protestant malice.        

(198)     A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
     Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
          As quick as a glance
          He stripped off his pants,
        But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 

(199)     A lady from old Little Rock
     In fidelity took little stock,
          And deserted her man
          In the streets of Japan
     For a boy with a prehensile cock.        

(200)     There was a young lady from Munich
     Who had an affair with a eunuch.
          At the height of their passion
          He dealt her a ration
     From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.    

(201)     An impish young fellow named James
     Had a passion for idiot games.
          He lighted the hair
             Of his lady's affair
     And laughed as she pissed through the flames.    

(202)     A cabin boy on an old clipper
     Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
          He plugged up his ass
          With fragments of glass
     And thus circumcised his old skipper.        

(203)     We sailed on the good ship Venus,
     My god, you should have seen us
        With a figurehead
        Of a whore in bed
     And the mast an upright penis.

     The captain of the lugger
     Was known as a filthy bugger
        Declared unfit
        To shovel shit
     From one ship to another.

       The first mate's name was Cooper,
     By god he was a trooper
        He jerked and jerked
        Until he worked
     Himself into a stupor.

     The cabin boy was Chipper,
     A dandy little nipper
        He shoved cracked glass
        Inside his ass
     And circumcised the skipper.

        The captain's wife was Charlotte,
     Born and bred a harlot
        Her thighs at night
        Were lily white
     By morning they were scarlet.

        The captain's youngest daughter
     Slipped into the water
        Her plaintive squeals
        Announced that eels
     Had found her sexual quarter.

        The ship's dog's name was Rover,
     They turned the poor beast over
        And ground and ground
        That faithful hound
     From Tenerief to Dover.             

(204)   God's plan had a great beginning,
     But man spoiled his chances by sinning
        We trust that the story
           Will end in God's glory
        But at present the other side's winning.        

(205)     There once was an ARPAnet freak,
     Who better response-time did seek.
        He searched coast to coast,
        For a reliable host,
     Whose logger took less than a week.        

(206)     There was a young maiden named Hoople
     Whose bosom was triple, not duple
       She had one removed
       But it grew back improved
     At present Miss Hoople is quadruple!        

(207)     A honeymoon couple named Kelly
     Spent their honeymoon belly to belly,
         Because in their haste,
         They used library paste
     In the place of petroleum jelly.        

(208) A man who would woo a fair maid
        Should 'prentice himself to the trade.
         He should study all day
         In methodical way
     How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.        

(209)     A certain unmusical Persian
     Had a curious sort of perversion.
         He thought that the part
         That was words was by Art
     And was sure that the tunes were Gilbertian.    

(210)     A woman who lived on Antigua
     Once said to her mate, "What a pig you are!"
         He answered, "My queen,
         Is it manner you mean?
     Or do you refer to my figure?"            

(211)     There was a young lady of Yap
     With pimples all over her map.
         But in her interstices
         There lurked a far worse disease
     That is commonly known as the clap.        

(212)     There was a sweet girl of Decatur
     Who went to sea on a freighter.
         She was screwed by the master
         --An utter disaster--
     But the crew all made up for it later.    

(213)     There was a young woman of Sydney
     Who could take it clear up to the kidney.
         But the thrust of Alphonse
         Barely reached to her mons
     So he left her unsatisfied, didney?        

(214)     A woman from South Philadelphia
     Once found herself left on the shelfia.
         No one wanted her wares
         But she muttered, "Who cares?"
     And cheerfully played with herselfia.        

(215)      There was a young man from Poughkeepsie
     Who, whenever he got slightly tipsy,
         Would whip out his tool
         And attack, like a fool,
     Any girl who was breasty and hipsy.    

(216)     A certain young fellow named Vaughn
     Once felt irresistibly drawn
         To exhibiting fun
         That involved more than one
     So he screwed his best girl on the lawn.    

(217) A man from the small Isle of Wight
     Once went on a far eclipse flight.
         The weather was bad
         Girls were not to be had
     And the Moon veered away out of spite.        

(218)     A certain hard-working young hooker
     Was such an enchanting good-looker,
            There were fights 'mongst the fuzz
         Over whose turn it was
     To pinch her, and frisk her, and book her.    

(219)     There was a young man named Sam Stover
     Who prayed for a girl to Jehovah.
         She appeared on his lap
         And gave him the clap
     Now that sort of prayer is all over.        

(220)     All was well with the Dowager Duchess
        When trapped in the mad rapist's clutches.
         Till he turned on the light,
         Took one look, said good night
        So she hit him with one of her crutches.        

(221)     There was a young lady named Hunt
     Who performed the unusual stunt
         Of screwing by mail
         When she was in jail
     For she had a detachable cunt.        

(222)     There was a young woman named Clare
     Within genitals lacking in hair.
         What caused this affliction
         Was sexual friction
     Which left them the worse for the wear.     

(223)     Another young waman named Clare
     Would walk around perfectly bare,
         Saying, "All that I show
         Are my publics, you know,
     For my privates are covered with hair."     

(224)     "I am just," moaned a girl from Racine,
     "A perpetual motion machine.
            I can't help it.  I must.
         For I service the lust
     Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine."        

(225)     There was a young fellow from Queens
     Whose perpetual motion machines
         Would more forward by jerks
         For he kept in the works
     The best Mexican high-jumping beans.        

(226) A woman most gorgeously stacked
     Thought screwing a glorious act.
         So, for finding a niche
         For those who were rich,
     She was diamonded, minked, Cadillacked.     

(227)     There is a young woman from Riga
     With morals depressingly meager,
            She's seduced twice a week
         By a lecherous Greek
        If "seduced" is the word when she's eager.      

(228)     An Olympian lecher was Zeus,
     Always playing around fast and loose,
         With one hand in the bodice
         Of some likely young goddess
     And the other preparing to goose.        

(229)     A young woman from South Carolina
        Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.
         With the proper-sized cocks
            What was sex became Bach's
     Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.            

(230)   "On the beach," said John, sadly, "There's such
     A thing as revealing too much."
         So he closed both his eyes
         At the ranks of bare thighs
     And felt his way through them by touch.     

(231)     A young violinist named Biddle
     Played exceedingly well on the fiddle.
            Yet 'twixt women and art
            'Twas the girls won his heart
     Hands down and hands up--and hands middle.    

(232)     A Sultan said sadly, "One strives
     To please all my fifty-six wives.
         But, alas, intromission
         Gives me the condition
        That's commonly known as the hives."            

(233)     Said a woman with open delight,
        "My pubic hair's perfectly white.
            I admit there's a glare
            But the fellows don't care
     They locate it more quickly at night."        

(234)     "What a shame," said a winsome young miss,
     "That an organ that brings me such bliss
         With its delicate touch
         Should be wasted on such
     An unpleasant production as piss."        

(235) In her youth, exhibitionist Annie
     Was fequently spanked by her nannie.
         That is why, to this day,
         Some psychiatrists say
     She is fond of exposing her fanny.        

(236)   An expert at kissin' and dallyin'
     Had a prick quite like that of a stallion.
         His success would be cosmic
         But for shortcomings osmic
        For he reeked very strongly of scallion.        

(237)     An innocent hooker named Agnes
     Was reduced to mere tatters and ragness
         Because the poor sweet
         Kept on working a street
     That was laden with queers and with fagness.    

(238)   A rapist's convicted, and hence is
     Executed for all his offenses,
         Thereafter, indeed,
         His victims agreed
     That the man was well-hung in both senses.    

(239)     A young teacher from far-off Bombay
     Turned down a request for a lay
         Nicely couched in a note,
         Since the fellow who wrote
     Had spelled "intercoarse" with an "a."        

(240)     Said a man from Mobile, Alabama,
        "I'm displeased with my role in life's drama.
            My wife, who's a shrew,
            Isn't willing to screw
        And she's sure to outlive me, God damma."       

(241)     Young Jane was a lollapolooza
     Yet no one could manage to use her.
            She wouldn't screw with them
         Except to the rhythm
     Of the marches of John Philip Sousa.        

(242)     A fellow from Chicopee, Mass.
        Rejected another man's pass.
         He felt some attraction,
         But recalled that the action
     Might well prove a pain in the ass.        

(243)   During sex, Mary's moans were harmonic
     From high C, down by chords, to the tonic.
         So John felt it unsordid
         To have them recorded
     In sound that was stereophonic.         

(244) How bitter was Joseph's existence
        When he found that his girl friend's insistence
            Meant that he'd have to wed her
         Before he could bed her.
     She was simply a piece de resistance.        

(245)     A young man from a lofty sierra
     Found sex both a puzzle and terror.
         But he met with a lass
         In a similar pass
     And they both learned--by trial and error.    

(246)     A luscious young student at Vassar
     Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer.
         But not in her studies
         You old fuddy-duddies
     For she shone as a great piece-of-asser.    

(247)     The crotch of a lady from Trenton
     Was too tight to make much of a dent on.
         The fellows who tried
         Spread the news far and wide
     That she made of a hard-un, a bent-un.        

(248)     There was a young woman named Melanie
     Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"
         She replied, "No, siree,
         I give it for free
     To see it, dear sir, is a felony."        

(249)     There was a young woman named Susan
        Who found it completely amusin'
         To make love to three men
         Although who did what when
        Was frequently rather confusin'.                

(250)     Thanks to sex, a young woman named Carol
        Looked delightful in model's apparel.
         The slimming effect
         Was best, I suspect,
     When her man had her over a barrel.        

(251)     A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr,
     Had a daughter, delightful and pure.
         It seems such a shame
         That her chief claim to fame
     Was her great skill at pitching manure.     

(252)   Said a young man, "I'm really delighted
     To find that my love is requited
         By all twenty-eight
         Of the girls that I date.
        Were they fewer, I'd feel myself slighted."     

(253) There was an old man from the Nile
     Whose sexual habits were vile.
            Yet whenever he'd score
         The women all swore
     That he sure made perversion worthwhile.    

(254)     A lovely French girl from Calais
     Looks great in her sheer negligee.
         Delightful and chaste
         She would just suit the taste
     Of the typical Gallic gourmet.            

(255)     A colonial girl, sweet and sainted,
     Was by war-striped young Indians tainted.
         Later, asked of the ravages,
         She said ofthe savages,
        "They aren't as bad as they're painted."        

(256)     A stately giraffe, when he necks,
        Or a hippo, when he's having sex,
            Aren't worth a tut-tut
         To the bellowing rut
     Of the great Tyrannosaurus Rex.         

(257)     Young Alice is known for her poise
     During quiet foreplay with the boys.
            But then when she has 'em
         At the brink of orgasm,
        You can't hear yourself think for the noise.    

(258)     An uncertain young woman named Fern
     Was so great she had lovers to burn.
         She got into bed
         With both Johnnie and Fred
        And didn't know which way to turn.              

(259)     A confirmed multilinguist, I fear,
     Finds conditions for flirting severe.
         A girl scarcely knows
            The response to a beau's
     "Bitte, couchez avec mich, my dear."        

(260)     There was a young woman named Golda
     Whose lovers grew colder and colder
         For during love making
            She'd sing the earth-shaking
     Love theme from Tristan und Isolde.        

(261)     Thre was an old Scotsman of Fife
     Who had left, in the course of his life,
         Scores of well-rounded ends
         Of the wives of his friends
     And likewise of the friends of his wife.    

(262) There was a young man of Rostov
     Who found it a risk to make love.
         He had grown very fond
         Of a statuesque blonde
     And was hurt when he slipped and fell off.    

(263)     A sprightly young fellow named Jay
     Screwed a girl in his car every day.
            His aims weren't base
         He just wanted to place
        The "let" in his old Chevrolet.                 

(264)     A certain young woman named Mame
     Longs to play in a tough football game.
            You would think that can't be
            Since she's female, you see,
        Yet she's making the team, just the same.       

(265)     At a bullfight, Jose made his bid.
     When the maiden agreed, he was rid
         Of all inhibitions
         And, despite the conditions,
     As the crowd yelled "Ole!" Jose did.        

(266)     There was a young fellow from Juilliard
     With a penis that measured a full yard.
         The girls whispered and leered
         And most of them cheered
     Whenever he ran through the schoolyard.     

(267)     There was a young sailor from Rome
     Who found the girls over the foam
         All acted the same
         In the sexual game
     So he might just as well have stayed home.    

(268)     It seemed all was well for old Bill
     For the night was romantic and still.
         She was warm, she was waiting,
         She was ripe for the mating
     But alas--she was not on the pill.        

(269)     There was a young woman named Maud
     Who found herself now and then floored
         --Or bedded, or chaired,
         Or top of the staired--
        Oh, well, it's the life of a bawd.              

(270)     Thre was a young lady named Bates
     Who amused every one of her dates
         By keeping one breast
         In total arrest
     While the other described figure eights.    

(271) A certain sweet girl from Key West
     Was uncommonly large in the chest.
            Any man's close attention
         To her outsize dimension
     Brought his own measurement to its best.    

(272)     There was a young woman named Vicki
        Who said, "I don't want to be picky.
         If, in five hours or so
         As you say, you must go,
        At least we'll have time for a quicky."         

(273)   A psychiatrist said, "It's no matter
     That my husband is mad as a hatter.
         There are certain psychoses
         That bring sex in large doses.
     My husband, you see, is satyr."         

(274)     The climax, when Josie engages,
     Is postponed for what seems to be ages.
         Out of self-preservation
         And to banish frustration
     She has three or four fellows--in stages.    

(275)     Annabelle turned beet-red in the face
     At having been raped.  Such disgrace!
         Yet although it was terrible
         It was not quite unbearable.
     She had taken her pill just in case.        

(276)     An industrious young obstetrician
     Conceived his financial position
         To depend upon beauty
         And husbandly duty
     Plus determined and endless coition.        

(277)     Once Titian, while mixing rose madder,
     Spied his model on top of the ladder.
         Her position, to Titian,
         Suggested coition,
        So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.        

(278)     A virtuous maiden named Nora
     Viewed sexual sinning with horror.
         But a bit of love play
         Was indulged in today
        And who knows what she'll think by tomorrow.    

(279)     There was a young man of Belgrade
     Who planned to seduce a fair maid.
         And as it befell
         He succeeded quite well
     So the maid, like the plan, was deep-laid.    

(280)       There was an old man of Belfast
     Whose active sex life was so vast
            He was glad he'd worked through
         To a spry ninety-two
     When his lust was declining at last.        

(281)     Those men who are born under Taurus
     Are attracted to girls of the chorus.
         They go on to excursions
         In varied perversions--
        But forget it, the details would bore us.       

(282)     A queen of old Egypt, named Cleo
     Conducted her loving "con brio."
         She felt quite at home in
         The arms of one Roman
     But preferred to be part of a trio.        

(283)     There was an old maid of Peru
     Who swore that she never would screw
         Except under stress
         Of forceful duress
        Like, "I'm ready, dear, how about you?"         

(284)     Turning down the desires of Marie
        John explained, "It's unfair, don't you see?
         For all I can do
         Is to keep screwing you
        While you'd screw none other than me."          

(285)     A finicky man from Australia
     With the ladies was largely a failure.
         He said, "Sex may be fun
         But in the long run
     It will damage my fine genitalia."        

(286)     A sultan, inspecting his harem,
        Said, "Eunuch, proceed to unbare 'em."
         Having seen the details
         He issued long veils
        And ordered the harem to wear 'em.              

(287)     A woman who lived near Cape Fear
     Would always most carefully steer
         Past men whom she saw,
         But was brought to the floor,
     By a well-timed attack from the rear.        

(288)     There once was a member of Mensa
     Who was a most excellent fencer.
         The sword that he used
         Was his--(line is refused,
        And has now been removed by the censor).        

(289) A woman who reached ninety-nine
     Said she always felt pefectly fine
         Thanks to helpings of semen
         From rugged old he-men
     Who were not too far gone in decline.        

(290)     A young woman from old Montreal
     Reminisced once concerning her fall,
         Saying, "He was so quick,
         And his prick was so slick,
     That I just never felt it at all.        

(291)     A young fellow received much acclaim
     For his skill at the sexual game.
         A real Juggernaut
         He easily brought
     Three girls to the peak ere he came.        

(292)     A sadly afficted young stutterer
        With a wish, but unable to utter 'er,
         Showed his favorite tart
         The appropriate part
     Of the drawings in his Kamasutra.        

(293)     There once was a lecherous pianist
        Of all, the most he-in' and she-inest.
         To heighten his joy
         He would only employ
     Those girls he was told were agreein-est.    

(294)     An astronomer fellow named Mark
     Was sure it would be a great lark
         To have a girl eye
         The stars in the sky
        And see what came up in the dark.               

(296)     We all laughed when a fellow named Ollie
     Once swore he would screw a young dolly.
            "For twelve hours, I'll engage'er,"
         And he laid down his wager.
     We all laughed, but he did it, by golly.    

(297)     A feminist, fetchingly scented,
        In a charming hotel room she'd rented
         Had picked up a guy
         In the street, passing by,
     And when she said, "Right on!" boy, she meant it.    

(298) Another young feminist, Florence,
     Held all the male sex in abhorrence.
            She'd take men to bed
         And screw them till dead
        And then she'd collect the insurance.           

(299)     Some gentlemen born under Aries
     Are likely to go by contraries.
            They're apt to ignore
         The sweet girl next door
     And feel much attracted to fairies.        

(300)     An actor, in furious rage,
     Muttered this to an actress on stage,
            "When I'd fallen for you
         I had thought forty-two
     Was meant for your breasts, not your age."    

(301)     There was a young couple from Florida
     Whose passion grew steadily torrider.
         They were planning to sin
         In a room in an inn.
     Who can wait?  So they screwed in the corridor. 

(302)     There was a hard-working soothsayer
     Well-known as an honest truth-prayer.
         He married a dame
         And Ruth was her name
     And now he is called a Ruth-layer.        

(303)     There was a young girl named Laraine
     Whom no one could think of as plain.
         The fellows pursue her
         In order to screw her
     Again and again and again.            

(304)     A devil-may-care sort of flapper
     Was a belle who was seeking a clapper.
         But not every bum
         Would be making her come
     She was after a Phi Beta Kappa.         

(305)     Said old Dick to a quite famous beauty,
        "I think that it's my bounden duty
         To give you the measure
         Of my tip for your pleasure
        --And by 'tip' I don't mean a gratuity."        

(306)     A young man who enjoyed the society
     Of girls to the point of satiey
         Sometimes had a half a mind
         To leave them behind
     And jerk himself off for variety.        

(307) A woman who lived in St. Paul
     Had breasts undeniably small
         Her husband growled, "Dear,
         Why not burn your brassiere?
        It's fulfilling no function at all."            

(308)     An eager inventor named Jones
     Was reduced to loud sobbing and moans.
            He'd devised x-ray glasses
         To study clothed lasses
     But all he could see were their bones.        

(309)     An insatiable damsel named Bridget
     Was likely to mutter and fidget
         Whenever some jerk
            Couldn't manage to work
     Up a quick enought rise to the rigid.        

(310)     The seductive Dolores could lay so
     Well, she earned many a peso
         Fom men who walked miles
         To climax, with smiles.
     (Her ads in the papers all say so.)        

(311)   Said John, "Sex I've always enjoyed
     And the way to avoid being cloyed
         For the fellow who dallies is
         The psychoanalysis
     Of the school of the great Sigmund Freud."    

(312)     Softly seductive young Brenda
     Wnats a man who is sweet, kind, and tender,
         And thoughtful and bright
         And sexually right
     But mostly a very big spender.            

(313)     The man whom I call Dr. A.
     Is past master at love and at play.
         At hugging and kissing--
         (The remainder is missing
        For I won't give my secrets away.)              



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